My heart in your hands

I give You my heart.

How many times I’ve sang this song in church,

Lord, I give You my heart
I give You my soul
I live for You alone
Every Breath that I take
Every moment I’m awake
Lord, have Your way in me
Have Your way in me, Lord.  I pray this prayer, but I am not always prepared for what God will bring.  When it comes to attitudes and issues of my heart, those things about myself that are hard to face, I would rather hang onto the old heart, because the pain of facing myself is sometimes too overwhelming.
I have been walking down some old paths lately.  I’ve been partnering with old thought patterns and allowing my emotions to slow me down in my pursuit of God.  The mind and the heart are so closely connected.  I have allowed my negative thought processes to filter down into my heart.  The pain of dreams yet unfulfilled.  The pain of “if I only would have”.  The pain of regret and missed opportunities.  And even though the feelings I have are valid, my response to them have been far from perfect and have adversely affected my heart.  I have allowed my heart to become diseased.

A couple of nights ago, as I was striving to give God my all in worship, we had the following dialogue,

GOD: Give your heart to me.

ME: I already have.

GOD: Give me your heart.

ME: Lord, You have my heart.

GOD: I want to give you a new heart.

ME: Lord, it hurts too much. Can’t you just fix the one I have?

GOD: I can fix it, yes. However,  I desire to give you a new heart

I was undone at that moment. There are things in my heart that keep me from pursuing my Beloved the way I desire to.  These things keep me in a place of unworthiness and insignificance and prevent me from moving forward in my pursuit of Him.  These things must be pulled up by their roots.  God desires to break every chain that binds, and remove every barrier that hinders me from running hard after Him.  I am desperately in need of a new heart. 
I’ve been crying out for God. For the Living God.

My soul yearns, even faints, for the courts of the LORD;
my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God.
(Psalm 84:2) 
And as I cry out for more of God, He comes, like a flood, to fill my heart. But lately I feel that there is hardly room enough for God to come and occupy the deep places of my heart.  My arteries have become clogged. The blood flow of the life of Christ that is running through my veins is sometimes blocked from reaching the very core of my heart.  And my heart often beats for other lovers.  Other things and other relationships that can only bring momentary satisfaction.  I want a heart that beats for Him and Him alone, a heart flowing with the richness of His love and mercy.  A heart that is pure and unwavering in my faith.

Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.  (Psalm 51:10)
And even though my heart says “YES”, I am weak. My love for Him is weak. I would rather not have to endure the pain of facing myself, my shortcomings, my failures, my attitudes. But I trust Him to care for my heart, despite the pain.
Sometimes God comes as the Potter.  His desire is to mold and shape me more into His image and likeness.  At other times, God comes to cleanse and to purge, to take out the impurities in my heart so that I will have space for the Holy God of the universe to reign there.  And there are still other times when God comes and desires to bring a complete overhaul of my heart.  This is where I am today.  I’ve struggled with these “little” issues for far too long.  They are weighing me down and slowing me down.

“So I place my heart into Your hands, Lord,
and offer it up to You

And even though it’s painful, I trust that God will care for my heart gently and tenderly.  I am willing to endure the pain of a heart transplant if it means I will gain Christ as my reward. 


Seeking beauty in the ordinary and embracing life to the fullest. Thank you for stopping by and come again soon!

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14 Responses

  1. Beth in NC says:

    Beautiful and transparent Barbie. I know how you feel — looking back at all of the "what if .." and missed opportunities. I guess that is why Paul said NOT TO LOOK BACK but to press forward. We have today.

    I pray God will show you the root and that you will allow Him to remove it gently — freeing the spot for your NEW heart. <3

    Love you,

  2. Carla says:

    Beautiful Barbie…Thanks for being so transparent…You are a treasure!

  3. Michelle says:

    Moving post, Barbie.

    This really struck me:

    "There are things in my heart that keep me from pursuing my Beloved the way I desire to. These things keep me in a place of unworthiness and insignificance and prevent me from moving forward in my pursuit of Him."

    I think that the times that we struggle the most with feelings of unworthiness and insignificance are the times when we aren't abiding in the Vine. He is the source of all life, fullness and significance.

    I know that the less I am drawing near to Him, the more I become like a useless, dried up branch!

  4. Child of God says:

    Hi Barbie,
    Isn't it amazing what comes out of fasting and pray? Praise God you are in a new level with Him!!!!! Awesome! But, it sure does hurt! I know I have been there and moving in closer at drastic super speed and it is so scary, letting go of what was. It is ok though for what He has is even better but be prepared you sure do lose yourself and give up things of 'you' that you never thought you could.

    Hang on for the ride it hurts but is well worth the prize.

    Praying sis,

  5. Jules(: says:

    Beautiful post Barbie. I know how you feel. It always helps me to remember that God's love runs past our flaws and breaks down the walls that we once held on to. Remember that He loves you and will never, ever leave you!

  6. Lea says:

    What depth! May the Lord richly bless you on your journey with HIM. You are always so inspiring!

    Happy Valentine's Day!

  7. Kelley says:

    Love that picture. What a hard thing to do give God our hearts completely and allow Him to give us a new heart. Praying for you to fully surrender to what God has in store for you next.

  8. Ronel Sidney says:

    This touched my heart tremendously!!!

  9. Kerri-Mommy 4 Him says:

    Amazing words!! Thank you!

  10. carissa @ lowercase letters says:

    It's such a humbling thing… That God desires to give us a heart like His. Wow! Beautifully written post.

  11. Stephanie M. Page says:

    I have tears, thanks for your honesty. Our God is so personal and real. When you said you were undone, it reminded me of Isaiah and how he was also undone in the presence of the Holy God.

    Sounds like you had a beautiful Valentines day! Love to you Barbie!!

  12. Kim@Seasons of My Heart says:

    Beautiful….simply beautiful.

    Thank you my friend, for sharing your heart…

  13. Maid4Him says:

    Dear Barbie,
    I wanted to share a post that I wrote because with what you shared I thought what the Lord has been minstering to my heart, might minister to yours too. If you belong to Him He has given you a new heart, you jsut need the courage to follow after the promptings of the new heart He has placed in you! The post I am reffing to is titled Letters to Juliet. Love in Him, Ruth

  14. Jinnia says:

    What a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing openly. I think giving God our heart involves a depth of giving that is often painful. I've been undone too this past weekend.

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