There are days when I am driven to my knees in prayer. Moments when I am overcome by my tremendous lack and my intense desire and need for more of Him. And as I lay there, baring my soul, He is faithful to come, showering me with His grace, mercy and forgiveness, overwhelming me by His love. Yet I am weak. I am vulnerable. And I hold back, choosing to give just half of my heart to Him while trying to hold on to the other half.
Why do I sometimes want to keep pieces of my heart from Him? As if He cannot see what already is hidden deep beneath the surface.
Shame. Unforgiveness. Pride. Selfishness. Worry. Anxiety.
But then He asks, “Do you trust Me”? And my heart is grieved as I realize I have not fully come to a place of trust, a place where I can be fully vulnerable before Him.
For to give myself completely to the Lord is to allow myself to be laid bare before Him. Taking off everything that I thought I was and laying myself naked at the foot of the cross. And once I am fully exposed, I leave myself open to being wounded, offended or hurt. To allow Him to love me is to make myself vulnerable. For to love is to risk.
“Do you trust me?” Abandoning all into His capable hands. Will I get hurt? Possibly. But His thoughts are higher than mine. His ways greater. And I am weak, but He is strong. Yet it is my voluntary weakness, the act of saying, “Yes, Lord, I trust You”, even when I cannot see, that drives me deeper into His presence. Even when I cannot feel Him. Even when others point fingers and cast judgment. Even when I stare at my filthy rags in the mirror. When I allow myself to be vulnerable, trusting Him in my weakness, He changes me from the inside out.
He promises to give me beauty for ashes. This giving of my heart away to the only One I can trust to take care of it is not a one time act. It’s a moment by moment giving of myself. A constant state of self denial. A movement towards becoming more like Him.
For the Lord does not abandon anyone forever. Though he brings grief, he also shows compassion according to the greatness of his unfailing love. For he does not enjoy hurting people or causing them sorrow. (Lamentations 3:31-33)
Thank you Lord, that you take my weak and vulnerable heart and are making it something beautiful.