9 In Faith

Where He Leads, I Will Follow: (Part 2)

If you missed Part 1, you can find it here.

 

Do You Trust Me?

My vision continued with the Shepherd coming to commune with me at the gate.  Still, He beckoned me to come in.  He was not forceful.  He will not force His love on me, but waits ever so patiently.

Daily He comes.  He feeds me ripe fruits and brings beautiful fresh flowers so that I may smell their fragrance.  He comes to talk with me, reminding me of His love for me.  And when He turns at the end of the day to ascend the mountain, He reminds me that He will return.  Perhaps tomorrow will be the day when I will remove the latch and finally enter in fully.

*   *   *

Is love tangible?

When I was growing up, I never really felt loved.  I always felt out of place.  Nor did I always see fruit from those who were supposed to love me.  I know my family loved me.  But something deep in the core of my younger self was so damaged, with such a wrong perception of love, that I carried this perception into my adult years.  Not growing up in a Christian home, I do not blame my parents or anyone else for not providing this foundation.  But not having the foundation allowed me to get farther from the truth as I grew older.

As a teen and young adult, love was almost always based on condition.  “I will love you if”, or “I will love you when”.  It was never simply “I love you”.  Period.  Love was never reinforced to me in the way that I am supposed to be able to view God’s love now.  And it’s affected everything — my marriage, my relationships with my children, my relationships with friends.  How can someone so devoid of this kind of love ever give it freely to others?

You see friends, I thought I had a handle on this.  This steadfast, unchanging, relentless love of God.  My blog tagline is “rooted and grounded in the marvelous love of God”.  Yet, I am realizing more and more that this is still something I am striving for.  I am not there.  If I, a daughter of the King of Kings say that I believe His Word, then why do I struggle so much with believing it for me?  I’ve been to counseling, I’ve taken huge strides in this area, yet there is so much sting and pain, residue from the past that I am not quite sure how to process.

So the night before I was going to begin my new series on the Steadfast love of God, all I could do was sit before Him in the prayer room and weep.  I was completely undone that I did not have a grasp on this so that I could give it to you.  I was completely undone by the fact that my heart was not yet fully awaken to this reality.

I know that love is not based on feeling, but if I could just feel it.

“What does Your love feel like, Lord?”

“Is it tangible?”

“Is it something that I can lay hold of?”

But God says,

“Love is not a feeling my child.  It is who I am.  And I desire that the truth of my love be revealed to your heart.”

“Do you trust Me?”

*     *     *

Well friends, I am not really sure where to go from here.  I thought I had a plan, but God says no.  I am realizing that I have to lay down my plan of chasing after His love, and simply rest and allow Him to find me.  I believe that when I first talked about allowing Him to colour my heart that this was His plan all along.  That my journey of seeking Him would lead me to this place where I fully come alive in Him. I know that He desires to fill those places in my heart that have been so devoid of colour for so long.

“Jesus loves me, this I know.  For the Bible tells me so.”

It seems so basic.  But so necessary for me in this season of my life.

I am not sure how this will all play out on the blog.  I do know that as God awakens my heart to His Word, I would love to share my revelations with you, and perhaps give you a peek into my journal.  (If you follow me on Instagram, you’ve already seen my journal pages via #colouringmyheart).  So I lay down my big plans to do more, write more, teach more.  I am trusting God with my heart and will follow His lead in this journey.

I want to thank you all for visiting here and leaving your words of encouragement.  It’s been a rough few days and my heart is once again laid bare and it’s hard some times to know what to do with it all.  I appreciate you all so very much and hope you will come along with me on this journey of self discovery.

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9 Comments

  • Reply
    Child of God
    July 13, 2012 at 7:20 am

    I so wish I could give you a real, long hug.
    Pain and hurt from our childhood becomes a part of us that makes us who we are today. Only the love of God will heal this but the process is very hurtful as we live through the past and claim back what was stolen from us or not given in the first place.
    It sounds to me like you are making progress and you are right at the edge of the cliff and realize that in order for you to get to where you want to be you need to jump.

    Thanks for sharing. I know it’s hard but I also know that talking, in a safe environment, helps. You are loved and cared for by so many people here and I know many will be praying for you.

    Praying sister, I love you too. 🙂
    <

    • Reply
      Barbie
      July 13, 2012 at 4:35 pm

      Thank you dear friend. Your comment reminds me of a post I wrote for the Faith Barista Jam about four months ago. It’s about standing at the edge of the cliff. I think I am going to repost it here on Monday! Love you!

  • Reply
    Debbie
    July 13, 2012 at 12:17 pm

    Thank you for your honest post, Barbie. He will be faithful to reveal Himself to you. “Those who diligently seek Me will find Me.” Proverbs 8:17 It sounds like He is drawing you to an even deeper level of relationship with Him. Exciting…and yet can carry much trepidation! Praying for deeper blessings and a revealing of the truth of His love as He continues to “colour your heart.”

    • Reply
      Barbie
      July 13, 2012 at 4:32 pm

      Thank you so much Debbie. Yes, I feel that pull to come closer. I just need to lift that latch and walk in. Sometimes I think it’s easier to see the hurt and pain so as to not to have to deal with it. But I know that God wants me free!

  • Reply
    soulstops
    July 13, 2012 at 2:36 pm

    Dear Barbie,

    I sit here with you and acknowledge with you how childhood pain colors our ability to receive His love, but I also want to encourage you that as you go to Him in honesty with your desire and pain, He will come for you, and reveal His heart of unconditional love…it is is a lifelong process, and I pray you will know more and more of His love for you…{{HUgs}}

    • Reply
      Barbie
      July 13, 2012 at 4:31 pm

      Thank you my dear friend. This is a hard season. Life circumstances are clouding my vision, but I am pressing through, leaning in. I only want to see Him!

  • Reply
    Nikki
    July 16, 2012 at 9:51 am

    I love you and your heart, Barbie. And am honored you would share it with us here. Can’t wait to see what God has in store for you! His love is relentless, isn’t it. And He’s got You in a tight squeeze….

  • Reply
    Lolita Valle
    August 2, 2012 at 7:30 pm

    You have opened your heart for Him. I will be here for you too, in every revelation you will find… onward to come alive in His love. And in so doing, I will also be awakening with my own.

    Thank you.

    • Reply
      Barbie
      August 2, 2012 at 11:53 pm

      Thankful to have you here! You are already a treasure to me.

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