Wrestling In My Brokenness
I’ve been processing what’s in my heart lately. It can be very painful when you face the reality of what lies hidden deep within. This post has been mulling around in my head for some time. I’ve been afraid to let it out, afraid to appear weak, afraid of how I might be seen. But this space is where I share the reality of who I am — the good, the challenges, what God is doing in my heart. And so I share, because I can’t hold it in any longer. And I trust that He would use my words, as weak as they may seem, for His glory.
Since I was a little girl, I’ve yearned for the attention of others. Surrounded by a loving family and friends who love me, still something deep inside my heart yearns for affirmation. There are moments when I want to scream, “Look at me! Do you see me? Is anyone looking at me?”
I love the Lord and long to give Him my whole heart, and it grieves me to think that I yearn for the affections of others above His. But this is my brokenness, those still shattered and torn pieces of me longing to be put back together. I long to be fixed, to be made whole, and in the process, I cry out for the love and attention of others.
There will come a day when I no longer yearn for the affections of man, and will truly rest in the love and affection of my Heavenly Father, the One who always sees me, inclines His ear to me, and loves me unconditionally. But until that day, I wrestle in the brokenness of a heart that is not yet fully His.
What is My Motive.
This space is where I share my life — openly, honestly, vulnerable at times, in the hopes that you would be encouraged to reach further, to lay hold of the promises He has for your own life. I never intended this blog to be a place to seek sympathy, to gain the approval of man, or to receive affirming words to fill up the voids in my own heart. But I find myself in that place, with heart exposed yearning to be filled.
I’ve felt myself shrinking back, words stirring in the deep places of my heart, yet unable to find their surface. Writing can be tiring, and when you are wrestling with the why it can be exhausting. I am asking some hard questions — Why do I write? I know what it started out to be, but what is God’s purpose in the now? Am I holding true to what it is He has called me to do?
I write because it brings me joy, and I desire to have a place to record all that God has done in my life; but perhaps writing has become a means to fill an emotional void that perhaps I didn’t realize was there. Don’t get me wrong. I never write with the intent of being inward focused. Yet at the same time, when I openly share my struggles and my own wrestling, I am faced with the reality that I may be doing just that. Although I never want to write to fill an emotional need, I wrestle with the joy that I receive in doing so. The affirmation feels good. But something happened a while back that has me questioning my intentions and looking inward at the lack in my own heart.
I Wasn’t Chosen.
As bloggers, we love to be chosen — chosen to be read, chosen to be sponsored, chosen to win a giveaway, chosen to participate in the next big blogging thing. It feels good, and that’s okay. And multiple opportunities have passed me by without me even batting an eye. Until recently.
There was something that I wasn’t chosen for that has left me reeling and digging deep to ask the hard questions. And it wasn’t actually something that I was intentionally seeking. Yet, everyone I knew in my blog community seemed to be participating, and the cloud of doubt came, and I turned inward and I wondered, “Why not me? What’s wrong with me? Don’t they see me? Am I not good enough?”
My heart felt raw, exposed, left out for all to see, yet there was only One before which I was examined. And He was gentle, so kind and loving. This is my brokenness. This empty part of me that rears it’s ugly head when I least expect it. And the reality of my broken and shattered self has caused me to ask some hard questions. “What is it that I am here for? Why do I write? Why am I craving man’s attention? Have I truly given this Blog to God? Why does it hurt so much not to be chosen?”
I know that God has called me to this space, but over the last few weeks I’ve been reevaluating my purpose. God has reminded me that it’s not that I was rejected, it’s that He did not choose me for this one task. I must trust His wisdom in knowing He will only lead me to those things which He has called me to. Yet still I wrestle in my brokenness. “Why does it hurt, God? Why is what you’ve already given to me not enough?”
And in all the questioning, in all the laying down and surrendering to His will, there is beauty to be found, the beauty of a broken reality that says this — God has chosen me. He has a purpose for me far greater than I can ever hope or imagine. As I wrestle with my own humanity and am faced with my lack, I thank God that He, in His love and in His wisdom, brings those things to light that keep me from drawing closer to Him.
I have been Chosen
I have been chosen as a daughter of the King of Kings, to bring Him glory and honor.
I have been chosen by God to be wife to an amazing man, and mother to four beautiful children.
I have been chosen by God to be a minister of reconciliation to others.
I have been chosen by God to share His love with others.
I have been chosen by God to write His words onto your heart, to encourage you.
God sees me.
He inclines His ear to me.
He loves me, always and forever.
And I will offer Him the beauty of this broken heart to bring Him honor and glory.I will offer Him the beauty of this broken heart to bring Him honor and glory. Click To Tweet
Thank you for allowing me to process out loud in this space. I am thankful that the Lord continues to use my blogging journey to draw me closer to Him. I am thankful that He allows me to wrestle with my brokenness so that beauty can be birthed.