When Brokenness Remains
The not writing, it’s been hard. The fear that I have nothing of value to say weighs heavily on my heart. I lay it at His feet every day, confessing my weakness and my need of Him, but still the words fail to come. Yet in the silence, He is faithful to bring me to exactly where I need to be, at His feet. And at His feet is where He speaks to my heart. At His feet, while kneeling in complete surrender, is where He takes me from ashes to beauty. This writing thing, it’s become hard, lacking in joy, and a road I’d rather not walk. Yet I’ve chosen to lay it at His feet, asking the Refiner’s Fire to come and purify it, to make beauty out of the dust, and to use me for His glory.
I’ve had a revelation.
This season of slow, of laying back and laying down, it’s about so much more than the writing.
God in His gentleness and faithfulness has revealed areas of my life that are out of balance and out of touch with Him. There are things that I must prioritize and get in order if I am truly to give Him ALL the glory. Whether or not that includes writing, it doesn’t really matter.
It’s not really about the writing, or the lack thereof.
It’s about my imperfect walk with the Lord, my lack of discipline and how running from Him is sometimes easier than facing the truth.
It’s about my messy, work-in-progress marriage, and how I need to do better at loving my husband. We have some work to do, but we know God will bring us through the storm.
It’s about my shortcomings as a mother, how I raise my voice, am selfish, controlling and how I need to do better.
It’s about my health, how I take care of everyone else but me, and how I avoid the underlying causes as to why I am overweight.
It’s about my job, how ministry should be exciting and filled with joy, but how I’ve allowed myself to become exhausted, worn out and nearly burned out.
It’s about this space, where I come to share my heart, openly and honestly, and yet I find myself asking if I’ve been faithful with this calling. Are my words truly written for Him and Him alone, or am I secretly seeking the approval of man and the consolation of those who will remind me that I am worthy.
I replied to a comment on my blog recently,
If I do not allow Him to use me in my brokenness than I have nothing left to give.
[Tweet “He promises to make beautiful things out of the ashes of my life. So I will offer Him my ashes, knowing that in due time, He will restore all things.”]
This space? I love and adore it. And I love and adore all of you. But it pales in comparison to my relationship with Jesus and my family, and it is not as important as my health. For now, I am choosing to remain broken and ask God to help put the pieces of my life back together. I will continue to make a choice to lay low, allowing Him to fill me up in the hope that He will continue to give me the privilege of pouring out.
For now, my writing commitments are on Mondays (continuing my Becoming Living Art Series as I blog through Emily Freeman’s A Million Little Ways) and The Weekend Brew on Fridays. I am also continuing my Featured Friend Wednesdays posts with guest bloggers for a season. If you have a blog and would like to be considered to write a guest post sometime in July, August or September, please use the contact tab at the top of the blog and send me a note. I am not accepting guest posts from non-bloggers at this time. I reserve the right to say “no” if I feel you are not a good fit. 🙂
Thank you for your continued encouragement and your prayers. God has surrounded me with true friends, gifts and treasures in my life, and for each of you I am truly grateful.
Linking up with the beautiful Beth for Three Word Wednesday on a Thursday!