This week I want to share with you another revelation the Lord has brought to my heart during my season of being quiet. I love when God gives us those “wow” moments. It’s something I should have realized early on in this journey. But His timing is perfect, and He knew that it was to be revealed at this time.
I’ve been hiding behind words.
Words. They have the power to bring life, or death. They wrap you up, cause you to ponder, to dream, to sing. So much power that lies between the finality of a period, the pause of a comma and the bridge of a semi-colon. Words are something I offer daily to others — to my children, my husband, my friends and my readers. I’ve always tried to share openly and honestly, taking the truth of His Word and applying it to my own life. But in the giving of words, a little bit of my own reality has been lost in the process.
My husband lost his job in June of 2009, and remained unemployed for the better part of the next three years. That season was hard, so very hard. For nearly three years, I had something tangible to write about because of my circumstances. It was easy for me to turn to writing as well as reading the encouraging words of others. There, hidden behind words, I felt safe. I felt loved, supported and encouraged. But I never realized how much I was still hurting. Yes, we survived unemployment. Yes, we managed to marry off our first-born with a beautiful thrifty wedding. But there are scars and remnants of pain that I just never really allowed myself to feel.
Until I lost my voice.
When you pour your heart and soul into something, running full steam ahead, to finally hit a wall years later, you realize how fractured your heart really is.
There are deep wounds in my heart that are in desperate need of the Lord’s touch. I’ve had to face the stark reality that I’ve grown farther from my husband because of that season than closer. We are working on it, but there is still so much work to be done. I didn’t know how to help him during that time, so I hid in the writing. I disconnected from my emotions, afraid to feel, to let anyone see the depth of my hurt and pain.
As a child when I use to play hide and seek, it was always comforting to know I would be found. And if I’m honest, I have wanted to be found in my writing. But my reality is that I have used words to mask my pain. I have written some amazing, God-breathed posts that have encouraged others. And it feels good, this sense of accomplishment and the acknowledgement that what little I have to offer is making a difference. But I forgot that I too needed encouraging. As I was busy giving life to others, I forgot to allow Him to breathe life into me.
I don’t want to hide anymore. I’m not saying that my blog has been a false reality and not a true representation of who I am. I strive to be as real and vulnerable as possible when I write. But I’ve thrown myself into Words, forgetting to look at the state of my own heart in the process. I’m at a crossroads in my life. Perhaps it’s midlife. Perhaps is post-manopause. Perhaps it’s having children who are almost grown or parents who are aging. I need to admit that I lack joy, that I suffer from depression, that my marriage needs work, that my kids aren’t perfect, that I am a mess, that I desperately need Jesus, and that I sometimes feel like I can’t breath.
I want to write from a place of healing. I believe God gives words to bring healing to others. But I also believe that on the journey toward those words, there is healing for those who write in the process. I don’t need to hide behind the words to see His hand at work. What you read here is raw, honest, beautiful truth about a woman who doesn’t have this life all figured out, who struggles to stay connected to the Vine, who sometimes wishes for a different life, and who fears losing control.
But my life is not my own. I am hidden with Christ in God. God is calling me to come out of hiding and to shake off the remnants of the past. I cannot change it, but I can allow Him to come and heal what is broken. When I hide myself in Him, my writing will come from a place of overflow. I’m tired of looking at my own life as lesser than. I am tired of looking at the lives of others and wishing I somehow played a role in their reality.
[Tweet “Jesus has given me a burden to share my reality with others so that they might be encouraged.”]
What else can I do but write? What else can I do but allow Him to move through me, through the hurt and the pain? His words bring light and life. I will allow Him to breathe on me, afresh and anew. I will come out of my hiding place, accepting my own reality, finding my own story, releasing the past and finding joy in the process.
Have you ever found yourself hiding behind words? I would love for you to share your thoughts in the comments below.
Linking up with the beautiful Beth for Three Word Wednesday, on a Thursday, because that’s how my life goes.