I’m learning to see beauty in brokenness. Sometimes, I feel guilty for feeling so broken. But God reminds me that my brokenness, it’s part of my story and that I need not compare the fragments of my own life to that of others. Yet I know people who have suffered extreme losses and hardship, and then there’s me. Yes, three years of unemployment took it’s toll on our marriage and our pocketbook. Losing our house took a toll on our pride and our egos. Compared to some, my life has been a walk in the park. I haven’t lost a child, I am not suffering with chronic illness, I am not homeless.
But this brokenness that I feel, its real. For many years it’s been a part of me, laying dormant in my heart as I put up walls to protect myself from feeling. Yet beneath the surface there are small, fragmented pieces of my life that need to be put back together again. My pain is still pain. I have a right to grieve over what was lost.
But I have the promise that I will not remain broken.
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. (Psalm 147:3)
He promises to make ALL things beautiful….in HIS time. Not mine. I can’t always see the beauty. I have to look hard, digging deep beneath the surface of my lack, reaching for what I know to be true. If it were up to me we would not have gone through the long season of unemployment, near bankruptcy, or the loss of our home. If it were up to me, I would not have visited the local food bank to help subsidize meals, or taken pay day loans to make it through until the next month. If it were up to me, I would not suffer from anger, fear, anxiety and depression.
I feel crushed from the weight of it. All of these small, broken fragments of my heart, they bare a weight at times so heavy that it’s much easier to stuff it below the surface where no one will see it, and where I won’t feel it. He won’t leave me there though, to pick up the fragments of my heart alone. He promises to remain with me. The Healer, He specializes in broken hearts.
When you cry out to God and ask Him to come and reveal anything that is standing in the way of drawing you closer to Him, He comes. Overwhelming at times, yet gently at other times. I said yes to this healing, even though I would rather push it aside and move on. [Tweet “I’m learning with healing that there can be no short cuts.”]
Slowly, ever so slowly, He is helping me pick up the pieces of my heart. These beautiful fragments, they are a testimony of the Lord’s grace in my life. They are not meant to be swept under the surface, they are meant to be pieced back together so that I can say with my head held high, “Look what the Lord has done!” He has brought me through, and He will continue to bring me through. I am broken, but He is making me whole again.
“Father, take the fragments of my life and use them for Your glory. Make me a beautiful testimony of your grace and steadfast love, so that others might see Your goodness and feel Your love.”
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