Life is full of uncertainties. I’ve experienced my fair share of disappointment over loss and circumstances. I’ve kicked, screamed, wailed and mourned my way to the throne of grace, throwing myself at the foot of the cross like a young child in the midst of a temper tantrum, all the while crying out, “Where are you God?”
Rain falls on the just and the unjust.
I’ve been wrestling with doubt. Life is good, but its far from what I had envisioned. My hope is in Jesus, but I would be wrong to say that I haven’t hoped for other things. As I’ve watched some of my dreams shatter, I wrestle with the bigger picture, that which only God can see, and that which my own heart longs to understand.
But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind.
(James 1:6 ESV)
I’ve been tossed by the wind of late. I find it hard to keep my feet firmly planted, as my eyes are busy looking here and there for some sign that I am doing it right, doing it well and doing it for His glory, and not my own.
How can I bring my petitions before Him in faith, when in my heart I doubt that things will ever change? I am not one who embraces conflict. I am a “fixer” by nature, meaning when there is conflict, I become extremely agitated and want to fix it and make things better. This is how I see my heart. It lays in conflict — my spirit man and my flesh — conflicted between what it knows to be true and what it fears may never come to pass. The more I try to fix things, the more of a mess I become.
In reality, it’s my own self-reliance that has brought me to this place. I want to rise up from the ashes and fix everything. But I can’t. There is no good apart from Him. And most often, I leave Him behind as I walk though life doubting,
doubting that our finances will ever turn the corner.
doubting that my role as a mother has made any real significant impact on my children.
doubting that I have anything concrete to offer to this world.
doubting that joy truly will come in the morning.
doubting that I am good enough to be loved well.
I believe, help my unbelief! (Mark 9:24 ESV)
I am thankful that God knows my weakness, and that He still accepts me no matter what state I am in.
Have you wrestled with doubt lately? How are you overcoming your struggle? I would love for you to share in the comments below.
Linking up with my dear friend Beth for Three Word Wednesday, on a Thursday, because that’s how I roll.
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