I started a 31 day journey on October 1st. I had just been laid off the day before, and thought it would help me pass the time to write 5 minute reflections on change. I remember dialoging with the Lord about whether or not I was to participate as I had the prior three years. I don’t think I heard a definite “no”, but I do remember a faint check in my spirit. I wasn’t sure I would be taking on too much, what with another major life change. But, I thought it would be easy, with the 5 minute prompts, and help to pass the time as I looked for work.
I lasted just 14 days. My last post was ironically entitled, When You Want To Run Away. I realized after that post that I had taken on too much. Maybe not. Perhaps that’s just an excuse because I don’t want to tell you how I am really feeling. But, this blog isn’t so much about me, as it is about Him. I’ve always been open and honest here. I know that I am among friends, and you care deeply for my heart.
So, I’m struggling. I knew this path was going to be hard, but I didn’t realize there would be subtle moments of despair and grief, mixed in with a little bit of depression and anxiety. The other day I was sitting at the kitchen table and my son was working on a history project. A project he needed my help with. He wasn’t asking for help, but I could tell from his sighs and attitude that I needed to step in. But all I could do was sit in my chair and stare at the wall. I couldn’t move. I realized in that moment that this life change is affecting my emotions more than I care to admit. And because I don’t wear my emotions on my sleeve, they are beginning to manifest in my body in ways I don’t prefer. I’ve been to that place of not wanting to move before, and hurting when you had to. And I don’t want to go there again. Not over this.
I want to fully embrace and enjoy this season of “time off”, but at the same time I am scared. I know that shows a lack of trust, and perhaps a lack of faith, but my human heart is weak and fragile and I think God understands. I’ve been down a similar path, over 5 years ago when my husband was laid off, and soon after we lost our home and our finances crumbled. We have nothing left to lose, yet are faced with the very real reality that if I don’t find work soon, we may lose what we do have.
Needless to say, I will not be continuing on with my 31 Day series. I do apologize. I don’t like to start something and not finish, but it probably wasn’t wise that I began in the first place. I don’t have a desire to write. I try to read my favorite blogs and well, my mind has a hard time comprehending what you are saying in your posts. My brain feels like mush and I hate that. So I’m taking it slow, reading a few blogs here and there, catching up on comments when I can, sharing my favorite posts as I feel led. Your words bless and encourage my heart and I don’t want to lose sight of what God may want to say to me through you.
I will continue to write my Journey To The High Places posts on Mondays, or Tuesdays, and The Weekend Brew link up will go up sometime between Friday and Saturday. Matter of fact, I will be having a guest who will be helping me carry the Weekend Brew through to the end of the year. I’ll write other posts as the inspiration hits, but the words may be few.
In this season, I need God to come and steady my heart. I may not be able to see in front of me, but I want to have the faith to believe that He will come through. I have this song on repeat. It is my prayer in this season.
You are faithful, You will lead me.
You are faithful, You will keep me.
You are faithful, You will lead me on.
I miss connecting with you, but this change in my life has completely done me in, and I need to rest and not do too much so as not to get overwhelmed. I know that this will pass. I know that God has a great plan. I want to trust Him, even though I cannot see. Taking care of myself is the most important. So that is what I shall do.
I hope that I will see you over the weekend at The Weekend Brew. I would love to read your words.
Thanks your prayers, emails, tweets and Voxer messages. My life is richer because of you.