17 In Faith

The Risk OF Being Real

Risk_600I wasn’t going to go to church on Sunday.  Yes, I admit that sometimes I allow the enemy to have the upper hand, and I give in to my feelings of depression and anxiety. I just wanted to stay in bed.  But, thankfully, I had children who were scheduled to serve and a husband who was also serving, so I got up, got ready and off I went.

I tried to avoid eye contact and the well meaning friends. Not everyone knows my story, what we are walking through in this season of hard. Most do not. I don’t want to talk about it, because I don’t want people to think they have to try to fix it. Pride? Perhaps, but it’s hard for me to admit my need to others. As soon as I arrived the welcome hugs and how are you’s from friends hit my heart deep and the damn broke and the tears flowed. I lost all control as I collapsed on the shoulder of a friend who held me as I cried. She allowed me to share my fears. I was taking a risk sharing with her how I really felt. She was loving, affirming, full of faith.

There is a risk when we allow ourselves to be real, when we allow ourselves to truly show how we are feeling. I wrestle with it. I don’t want to wear my heart on my sleeve. I am afraid people won’t understand, or that they will think I do not have the faith to get through this season. After all, if I were really trusting God, wouldn’t I walk into church with my head held high, with a smile on my face, able to ignore the fact that the road I’m walking is laden with rocks and gravel and I’ve tripped and fallen more times than I can count.

I thought perhaps I’d sit in the lobby during worship. What? Me a worshipper running away from God during worship? But I can’t hide from God. Thankfully, I had an 11 year old boy who was to sit with his parents in church prior to his class, so off we went into the worship service.

I did not want to open myself up, to be vulnerable with God. I could feel the walls going up from the first note. But something beautiful happens when we take a risk and allow God into our hurting hearts, even a little bit.

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My heart began to soften, I could feel the walls coming down, and I lifted my hands, not because I felt like it, but because He is worthy to be praised.

And there in a room with a couple hundred others, I met Him. I could feel His gaze on me. We sang “It Is Well” and I wrestled with the thought that maybe it wasn’t..maybe my soul was sick and in need of healing. He reassured me, with His peace and His love that it was indeed well with my soul. He had not forgotten me, and no matter how hard things are, or how much harder they become, He is right here.

I chose not to hide from Him, but rather to enter into His presence, which He gives freely and without reservation to those who seek Him.  I received a breakthrough on Sunday, not the financial one we so desperately need, but one that reaches for a loving God in a season of hard and reaps the benefit of His presence.

I reached and He came.
I worshipped and He poured out.
I acknowledged my need of Him and He reminded  me that He is in control and that He holds me in the palm of His hands and and will not let go.

How are you risking being real with God or with others in your current season? I would love for you to share with me in the comments below.

BarbieSignature

17 Comments

  • Reply
    Arabah Joy
    February 17, 2015 at 2:03 am

    This is heartbreakingly beautiful, Barbie. My heart hurts to know you are walking through hard right now yet it rejoices that God is showing Himself faithful to you. You are known, seen, and remembered. Hugs and prayers, AJ.
    Arabah Joy recently posted..Praying Scripture: R is for Responsible

    • Reply
      Barbie
      February 22, 2015 at 9:57 pm

      Thanks so much Arabah! You are so encouraging.

  • Reply
    Jacqui
    February 17, 2015 at 5:52 am

    Barbie, I’m so sorry you’re going through this! Oh but friend, thank you for sharing. Your struggle and your faith are comforting and reassuring. My prayers are with you. Much love.

  • Reply
    Mary Geisen
    February 17, 2015 at 7:30 am

    There is absolute purity and beauty in your words because you let your heart speak what you are feeling and in doing so you allowed God to enter but all of your friends out here in cyberworld who love and pray for you too.

    God has been calling me over and over in 2015 to be “real”. To show people that I struggle and that I am not as strong as you might think. My writing has changed and reflects some of that and it has been hard. My stomach does flips when I hit “publish” because I want everyone to always think the best of me. What I am learning is that they still think the best of me and now they have the context to understand why and what and how.

    Your words hit me deeply and that is good. I appreciate the call to be “real” (sometimes I think this should be my one word this year!) Love you friend and praying you through this season.
    Mary Geisen recently posted..Where God Found Me in 2005…Guest Post @Testimony Tuesday

  • Reply
    Beth
    February 17, 2015 at 8:14 am

    I’ve been learning so much as I study the Life of Moses with BSF and the primary lesson has been that the first response God is always looking for is for us to come to Him with an open and honest heart. I’ve been comforted by the reminder that God already knows. What we bring to Him comes with no surprise. But I so get how we want to hide. From Him and from others. Praying big prayers that like Moses did, in all circumstances, we go to God. His arm is long enough for whatever we are experiencing. He is able! Love you so much, friend. (((hugs)))
    Beth recently posted..A Blogging Break

  • Reply
    Lyli @ 3-D Lessons for Life
    February 17, 2015 at 8:35 am

    It is well with my soul still. Thanks for reminding me. Love you and your words here.

  • Reply
    Carrie
    February 17, 2015 at 10:06 am

    You are much braver than you give yourself credit for, friend. I’m so happy you had another to hold and comfort you. Being vulnerable – can be the most frightening part of being human – but the rewards and connections brought by His Hand are precious. Blessings to you for sharing your heart with us!

  • Reply
    Ginger Harrington
    February 17, 2015 at 10:44 am

    Oh I so want to put my arms around you and be present. What a powerful lesson you share as you went in anyway, not letting the discouragement and hopelessness of the enemy keep from the One who ministers to your soul. Prayers and love your way.
    Ginger Harrington recently posted..Now Faith for One Simple Thing

  • Reply
    Mindy
    February 17, 2015 at 11:00 am

    So beautiful…I know what it is like to put up walls and not let people in, not let God in even but when we do the healing begins doesn’t it? I love the image of God bending low, arm outstretched waiting for us, wanting to bring hope and healing and love, so much love. Praying the breakthrough you had will be built upon daily and God’s healing continue in your life. Our Pastor was just sharing Sunday about how so many that made the choice to walk through the doors Sunday were so brave, brave to come with all their hurts and fears, real needs and trials. I believe that God honors that act of bravery and meets us there every single time.
    Mindy recently posted..She Just Offered

  • Reply
    SharonB
    February 17, 2015 at 4:41 pm

    I so get this. I’ve just come out of a dark few weeks and yes I made myself go to church because I knew it’s where I needed to be. Unfortunately part of my hard right now is not having friends who I can be really with or cry on their shoulders but one particularly hard day I am standing during worship trying to sing and all I could do is cry. I cried through all the worship songs until the final one when I was able to lift my hands in praise for I knew it was His shoulder I was crying on. He does meet us where we are even…no especially in the hard.

    Hugs to you friend.
    SharonB recently posted..The Standard of Holiness Does Not Change

  • Reply
    Bevy @ Treasured Up and Pondereda
    February 17, 2015 at 5:13 pm

    I can so relate to this, Barbie…

    I think I have been here, a time or two myself.

    He is worthy – even when we don’t feel able, or desire to give HIM what he is due. He is so patient. Ever-faithful and true. And He just makes a way when there seems to be no way.

    Thank you for sharing your heart here today!!
    Bevy @ Treasured Up and Pondereda recently posted..Mugs & Muffins :: Secrets to a Happy Marriage (by Pam Phelps), Recipe and Giveaway!!

  • Reply
    Ashley Ditto
    February 18, 2015 at 5:50 am

    Thank you for always being you, and being real. Love you sweet friend. I needed this reminder.

  • Reply
    Adoption Mama
    February 18, 2015 at 10:59 am

    Oh, dear sister. Praying for you. You know what I have been going through. Your post encouraged me so much. I, too, crave to stay away. To stay hidden. But Christ uses His body and His Word to break through the pain.
    Adoption Mama recently posted..Mother: The Definition

  • Reply
    Chris
    February 20, 2015 at 8:52 am

    I want to get up from where I sit and run to your side, listen to your heart and give you the biggest, warmest hug from Florida I can muster up. I see your heart and it is beautiful. You know when you are so lovely others can see they are not the only ones carrying the scare of trouble, they are not the only ones crying inside, and they are not alone. Thanks for sharing. He said we would have trouble in the world, but your testimony in clear words of truth is revelation – He Has Overcome the World!
    Chris recently posted..You Will Have trouble

    • Reply
      Barbie
      February 22, 2015 at 8:15 pm

      Oh Chris, that would be a day, wouldn’t it? I wish I could meet you this side of heaven. You’ve been such a steady rock of encouragement to me these last couple of years. Thank you!

  • Reply
    Susan
    February 22, 2015 at 11:03 am

    Thank you for sharing Barb. I’m so grateful for our marvelous God who won’t let go of us, and that you found him that morning. 🙂 May His peace be with you.

    • Reply
      Barbie
      February 22, 2015 at 8:08 pm

      Thanks for stopping by Susan!

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