I wasn’t going to go to church on Sunday. Yes, I admit that sometimes I allow the enemy to have the upper hand, and I give in to my feelings of depression and anxiety. I just wanted to stay in bed. But, thankfully, I had children who were scheduled to serve and a husband who was also serving, so I got up, got ready and off I went.
I tried to avoid eye contact and the well meaning friends. Not everyone knows my story, what we are walking through in this season of hard. Most do not. I don’t want to talk about it, because I don’t want people to think they have to try to fix it. Pride? Perhaps, but it’s hard for me to admit my need to others. As soon as I arrived the welcome hugs and how are you’s from friends hit my heart deep and the damn broke and the tears flowed. I lost all control as I collapsed on the shoulder of a friend who held me as I cried. She allowed me to share my fears. I was taking a risk sharing with her how I really felt. She was loving, affirming, full of faith.
There is a risk when we allow ourselves to be real, when we allow ourselves to truly show how we are feeling. I wrestle with it. I don’t want to wear my heart on my sleeve. I am afraid people won’t understand, or that they will think I do not have the faith to get through this season. After all, if I were really trusting God, wouldn’t I walk into church with my head held high, with a smile on my face, able to ignore the fact that the road I’m walking is laden with rocks and gravel and I’ve tripped and fallen more times than I can count.
I thought perhaps I’d sit in the lobby during worship. What? Me a worshipper running away from God during worship? But I can’t hide from God. Thankfully, I had an 11 year old boy who was to sit with his parents in church prior to his class, so off we went into the worship service.
I did not want to open myself up, to be vulnerable with God. I could feel the walls going up from the first note. But something beautiful happens when we take a risk and allow God into our hurting hearts, even a little bit.
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My heart began to soften, I could feel the walls coming down, and I lifted my hands, not because I felt like it, but because He is worthy to be praised.
And there in a room with a couple hundred others, I met Him. I could feel His gaze on me. We sang “It Is Well” and I wrestled with the thought that maybe it wasn’t..maybe my soul was sick and in need of healing. He reassured me, with His peace and His love that it was indeed well with my soul. He had not forgotten me, and no matter how hard things are, or how much harder they become, He is right here.
I chose not to hide from Him, but rather to enter into His presence, which He gives freely and without reservation to those who seek Him. I received a breakthrough on Sunday, not the financial one we so desperately need, but one that reaches for a loving God in a season of hard and reaps the benefit of His presence.
I reached and He came.
I worshipped and He poured out.
I acknowledged my need of Him and He reminded me that He is in control and that He holds me in the palm of His hands and and will not let go.
How are you risking being real with God or with others in your current season? I would love for you to share with me in the comments below.