I wasn’t feeling too good physically tonight. The first week of homeschooling went relatively easy, but the days and weeks leading up to it were exhausting. I’m not sure I’ve recovered. I also started a new business in Tupperware. I love the products and it gives me a chance to get out with the girls 2-3 nights a month, earn free products and much needed extra income.
On top of it all, I’m still trying to find my rhythm here in this space. I know that God has not removed his hand of blessing here, but I feel as though I’ve been in a season of stunted growth. I feel as if I’m sitting on the sidelines watching the world of blogging friends go by. I still struggle with comparison — what I feel I should be writing about, etc. and so on. I wish I didn’t. I don’t want to be like someone else. I want to be the me God created me to be, but some days I’m not sure who she is.
I discovered something about myself recently, which really isn’t a divine revelation, just something that I’ve chosen to sweep under the carpet and not look at — until now.
I’ve become slothful in my devotion to God.
I just finished reading Danise Jurado‘s new book, Fulfilled – Learning To Live The Life God Promised, and in one of the chapters she shares about how, through the prayer and revelation of another woman of God, she realized that she had become lazy in her devotion to God. If been allowing this one point to seek deep into my heart. And I’m realizing that at some point in my broken journey, I became paralyzed, unable to move forward. I think I’m still stuck in that place.
I haven’t quite gotten into a life’s rhythm concerning my devotional time with God since the piles of hurt and disappointment came crashing down. I think I am realizing that I really haven’t dealt with it all.
In the midst of my heartache, I stopped reaching. When I stopped reaching I stopped receiving. In the midst of the emptiness I allowed my well to run dry.
I know I can trust you to receive me, just as I am, with your loving and open arms. Yet I feel a sense of responsibility to bare the weight of my struggle to those who take the time out of their busy days and weeks to read. I’ve always been honest and upfront in my walk with the Lord. And you in return have always been graceful and patient.
I need to settle into a routine of leaning in, looking up and letting go. I jump from book to book, from verse to verse, from Bible study to Bible study and all the while God is saying, “I’m right here, just let me love you.”
What is it that I fear?
Is His love not enough?
Why do I still feel as if I must earn His love?
Even though the well is dry, I can sense God calling me to dive in and dig down deeper. For there among the rubble and dirt lies the Living Water that I desperately crave.
[tweetthis]I need not fear the dry, parched land because I know there is Living Water running deep within. #weekendwhispers[/tweetthis]
Thank you for allowing me to bare my soul here. This is a safe place. Will you share how God is revealing His heart to you? Let’s gather around one another in worship, in celebration and in prayer.
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