28 In Faith/ Glimpses

The Weight Of His Grace // Glimpses Link Up

This has been home to me for over 20 years. I’ve served with all of my heart for many years; now I just attend, sporadically, when I’m able to get out of bed and get moving. Sometimes depression and anxiety keep me home. Sometimes I just don’t feel like going. Sometimes I don’t want to go and just sit on the sidelines, watching things play out that I once felt so sure I was to be a part of. I know it’s been a few years now, but the truth of the matter is I am still broken, still hurting. I wonder if anyone really sees the depth of my pain.

When the human heart is aching, we do our best to mask our true feelings. We fear being seen for who we really are. We fear making our feelings known because the voice inside our heads tells us we are wrong to feel the way we do. Only God really knows the war that rages on the inside. On one hand you tell yourself to pull it together, to get over it, what’s done is done and remind yourself that you are in a better place. On the other hand you remind yourself of prophetic words spoken over you about how you would serve there all of your days, you remember the building process and how you labored in prayer, you remember the good ‘ole days and you long for that again.

It’s hard when you move from a place of being so involved to not being involved at all. After the job loss, I removed myself from serving in any capacity. My heart needed to heal. It still needs to heal. There is still so much pain and grief that I experience just being there. In a way I feel as if I’m missing out. But God reminds me that all things happen for a reason and that He still as a purpose for my life.

God reminds me that He still has a purpose for my life. #glimpsesofhisbeauty Click To Tweet

There is a part of me that longs for things to be as they once were, but know that things are better the way they are. I realize that my heart is stuck in between the place of hurting and healing, in between the place of resistance and restoration. There is a battle that rages on in my soul as I try to cover up my brokenness. I want so desperately to be whole, to walk in freedom, to feel His presence again. I hide my heart at the risk of exposure. I’m so thankful that His grace covers my brokenness.

I can feel the weight of His grace again as the tears fall. I hold back, not wanting to draw attention to myself. I can feel the warmth of my tears as I long to enter in to the freedom that others around me are experiencing. Yet I guard my heart, put up walls. I don’t want to hurt, I don’t want to face the pain. Yet this grace feels heaviest when I resist the freedom that He wants to bring. I think I’m holding on to the pain, longing for someone to look me in the eye, to really look at me, and ask me how I am really doing.

This grace feels heaviest when I resist the freedom that He wants to bring. #glimpsesofhisbeauty Click To Tweet

I come and worship Him because He is worthy to be worshipped.
I come to support my family as they lead in worship.
I come because I long for healing.
I come because it’s hard to let go.

On days like today, I am thankful for the weight of His grace that breaks through my brokenness to reaffirm my heart and remind me that everything will be okay. He is a good Father and He has a good plan for my life.

He is a good Father and He has a good plan for my life. #glimpseshisbeauty Click To Tweet

And now I continue to list the beauty that I’m finding in my every day life.

Glimpses #341-350

341. Flowers blooming that remind me that Spring is coming.
324. A heart-to-heart with my husband.
343. Peppermint tea with honey.
344. Cherry pie and ice cream with a friend.
345. The weight of His grace that breaks through my brokenness.
346. A warm shower that helps soothe tired muscles.
347. My grandson overloading me with kisses.
348. Teaching my grandson his colors.
349. Hearing testimony of how the Lord is working in my childrens’ lives.
350. His faithfulness to all generations.

Blooming lavender in a field at sunset in Provence, FranceIt is time to share the glimpses of beauty found this week.
Words written, gratitude given, photos taken, things created — anything that reflects the beauty of God revealed in your ordinary life.
1. Grab the button to place in your post, or simply link back here.
2. Link up with the post permalink, and not just your blog url.
3. Visit and encourage others who link up. We need each other!
4. Share about the link up on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter.
5. Use the hashtag #glimpsesofhisbeauty so that we can find each other’s posts.



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28 Comments

  • Reply
    Lesley
    March 6, 2017 at 1:23 am

    Thanks for sharing so honestly, Barbie. I’m sorry for the pain you continue to experience. I’m glad you’ve know God’s grace breaking through in the brokenness. Praying that you continue to know his love holding you.

    • Reply
      Barbie
      March 6, 2017 at 7:53 am

      Thank you Lesley!

  • Reply
    Michele Morin
    March 6, 2017 at 4:43 am

    Praying right now that God will continue His work of healing and begin to give you next-step vision to keep your hope and enthusiasm strong.

    • Reply
      Barbie
      March 6, 2017 at 7:53 am

      I appreciate you Michele!

  • Reply
    jodie filogomo
    March 6, 2017 at 5:50 am

    To me, the hardest part is admitting these kind of feeling to others and asking for help. But we are all praying for you, Barbie.
    jodie
    http://www.jtouchofstyle.com

    • Reply
      Barbie
      March 6, 2017 at 7:53 am

      So true. Thanks for your prayers.

  • Reply
    Dawn
    March 6, 2017 at 7:23 am

    Barbie,

    Your words are so poignant and heart-felt. I am praying for you to find hope in the weight of His grace over you, for you to be able to see the light that shines like Isaiah wrote about in chapter 60. Someone very precious to my heart is really wading through the murky waters of depression, and though I have personally been acquainted with these feelings it is different when praying for others and necessary to listen close to each other’s words. Thank you for sharing your heart.
    Bless you,
    Dawn

    • Reply
      Barbie
      March 6, 2017 at 7:54 am

      Thanks for praying Dawn. I really appreciate it.

  • Reply
    Lisa notes
    March 6, 2017 at 8:41 am

    Oh, your pain is so real, Barbie. It takes a long time for some wounds to heal, but I know that God has you on a freedom journey and one day you will reach peace with it. May he continue to bless you with much grace in the meantime. I’m so glad he knows what even others don’t know. “Only God really knows the war that rages on the inside.”

    • Reply
      Barbie
      March 6, 2017 at 8:48 pm

      Thank you Lisa. Is that a new profile picture I see? Lovely!

      • Reply
        Lisa notes
        March 8, 2017 at 11:49 am

        Yes, it is a new profile picture! How observant you are, Barbie. 🙂 Thanks. I got the new haircut in October or November, so I’m a little behind in updating my avatar, but better late than never.

  • Reply
    Trudy
    March 6, 2017 at 10:57 am

    I can identify with this, Barbie. Yes, only God knows the war inside of us. And He’ll keep giving us sufficient grace, even when we can’t “feel” Him. Thank you for being honest here. It’s so hard to be caught between the hurt and the healing. It’s hard to understand, but every time we sink back into the hurt, by grace God lifts us up again and gives us ever deeper healing. Does that make sense? I pray God will give you ever deeper healing! Love and hugs!

    • Reply
      Barbie
      March 6, 2017 at 8:49 pm

      Makes perfect sense Trudy. Thank you so much for your encouragement.

  • Reply
    Ruth
    March 6, 2017 at 8:42 pm

    I think that sometimes we are serving God just by being brave and going forth in obedience in spite of the pain. You can be sure that someone is observing your obedience, and you are mentoring them in their Christian life without even realizing it. In addition to that, you are following God in obedience here on this blog and affecting the lives of other Christian women on a broader scope for the glory of God. You are still in the game even though the enemy doesn’t want you to be.
    I understand not wanting to hurt; been there done that for LONG periods of time. But don’t be afraid to cry out to God. He holds your tears in His bottle and sees every one. The Bible is full of examples of God’s servants crying out to Him: Job, Jeremiah, David, Jesus, Hannah and others. Michael Card’s book, A Sacred Sorrow, talks about how lamenting is a lost art, a missing part of worship. I highly recommend the book.
    I pray that you will find the healing that you so need.
    Here is a poem that I wrote in the midst of great trials; I pray it will be a blessing to you. https://plantedbylivingwater.wordpress.com/2016/04/26/arthritis-of-the-soul/

    • Reply
      Barbie
      March 6, 2017 at 8:51 pm

      Ruth, thank you so much. Your poem is absolutely beautiful and I can see myself in it. Blessings!

      • Reply
        Ruth
        March 7, 2017 at 9:29 am

        🙂 Bless you, too! <3

  • Reply
    ~Karrilee~
    March 6, 2017 at 10:00 pm

    I think when we hold on to our pain and suffer from wounds that have lasted for so long, the thought of letting them go is almost as scary as the thought of moving on. So many times in my own life, those hurts have tried desperately to attach themselves to my identity and tell me who I am. The letting go seems so anti-climatic and yet… when I finally loosen my grip and let it go, and agree to move forward, freedom comes and healing is manifested!

    Praying for you, friend! He IS at work! If it hasn’t turned around for your good yet, then He is not doing working all things together yet!

    • Reply
      Barbie
      March 8, 2017 at 9:11 pm

      Thank you my friend. Love you so!

  • Reply
    Mary Geisen
    March 7, 2017 at 7:29 am

    Yes he does my friend! I understand how it feels easier to hide behind what we are really feeling or to avoid a place or situation all together thinking that will help. Your church family loves you and would like nothing more than to surround you in love. Thank you for your beautiful transparency. Love and hugs!

    • Reply
      Barbie
      March 8, 2017 at 9:12 pm

      Love you Mary!

  • Reply
    Ginger Harrington
    March 7, 2017 at 9:19 am

    There is a beauty to the honest pain you have shared. So real and so raw, it touches places in me that have felt the same things, but I couldn’t express them. The process of healing sometimes comes slowly. I am praying God will enable you to come to a place of breaking through and breaking free from the pain that holds your heart captive.

    • Reply
      Barbie
      March 8, 2017 at 9:13 pm

      Thank you so much Ginger!

  • Reply
    Dolly
    March 7, 2017 at 1:57 pm

    Dear Barbie,

    Oh, dear one. Yes, His grace comes when we release and give in to the tears. God sees you. We see you. You are loved. Give yourself permission to grieve…it is hard and holy work. Praying for you…((hugs))

    • Reply
      Barbie
      March 8, 2017 at 9:16 pm

      I appreciate you Dolly! Thank you.

  • Reply
    June
    March 8, 2017 at 2:48 pm

    Your words remind me of a similar experience I had in the church and I can understand your need to withdraw. You will come to a place of healing, my friend. I pray that God will comfort you and that you will be open to His leading and His timing as He brings you back toward fellowship with others again. It is so hard and my prayers are with you.

    • Reply
      Barbie
      March 8, 2017 at 9:17 pm

      I know others who have gone through similar experiences and it’s comforting knowing that this too shall pass.

  • Reply
    Diana
    March 11, 2017 at 3:45 pm

    Barbie, I understand… Every. Word. You. Wrote.

    Although our hurts may be different, I can apply what you’ve said to my own situations. And I know we are not the only ones who have cried out in pain, despair, and anguish to God. He has scores of children who have hurts.

    But he is always – ALWAYS – with us.

    “…for when you saw only one pair of footprints, I carried you.”

    Keeping you always in prayer, friend.

    (Sorry I haven’t been able to visit lately, but know that you are always on my heart.)

    Hugs and blessings.

    • Reply
      Barbie
      March 11, 2017 at 10:08 pm

      Thank you so much Diana! Your prayers are felt.

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