On the first night that I attended the Fascinate Conference, the speaker was talking about how the Lord had shown him that there were many young people there who had an unhealthy view of themselves, and even deal with issues of self-hatred. I have dealt with low self-esteem most of my life, but always believed that I had grown in this area and taken back ground I had previously given to the enemy. Boy was I wrong! On that night, the speaker gave an alter call for young people to come forward who were dealing with self-hatred. And even though my heart was being pulled, I did not go up for prayer that night. After all, here I was, a woman in her 40’s who was still hanging on to an unhealthy self-image in many ways. I was embarrassed. I was scared. What if I went forward for prayer and nothing happened? I wanted to feel different on the inside and I did not want to come away disappointed. So instead, I sat there in my seat, and became a spectator as I watched all of these young teenagers, as well as adults, come and ask God to break the lies so that they could be free.I left the conference center that night with such a deep longing in my spirit and a sadness I could not explain. I went back to my room and cried. I poured my heart out to God, asking Him to help me to see myself as He does. Slowly, in the wee hours of the morning, God began to move on my heart. I admitted that I had been believing lies…lies that told me I wasn’t beautiful; lies that said I was too old to accomplish anything meaningful in my life; lies that told me my past sin had somehow prevented me from walking in a greater anointing. I remember laying there weeping and praying and asking God for forgiveness, and at some point I fell asleep.
On the second night I attended the conference, a different speaker was sharing how when we come into agreement with the lies of the enemy about ourselves, we are then making an accusation against God. He pointed out that when we accuse God, our Creator, of not knowing what He was doing when He created us, how then can we be free in any area of your life? This grieved my spirit, and was confirmation that God was wanting me to allow Him to break down the walls of protection that I’ve placed around myself…walls I have erected based on the lies I’ve believed…and walls which I put up to protect myself from being hurt and disappointed.
So this time, when the speaker called out for those dealing with self-hatred to come, I went. I stood in the prayer line, arms crossed and head bowed, a little embarrassed. Even at that point, I was afraid of what others may think about me. And not to mention, my son saw me go forward. What was he thinking? But slowly, as I stood there and cried and worshiped, I began to feel His presence and the walls became a little less thick. I received prayer and even though I did not feel any different, I know that God will complete the work which He started.
Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. (Philippians 1:6-NIV)
I have made a decision to free myself once and for all of this baggage of self-hatred that I’ve been carrying around most of my life. I know this will take time and some things I will not be able to walk through on my own, but I am fortunate to have a group of people around me who have been trained in inner-healing who can walk me through renouncing the lies, asking God’s forgiveness for ever accusing Him of making me anything less than perfect in His eyes, and helping me to walk out my freedom. I will be relying on the truth of God, what He says about me, which will bring me freedom.
And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” (John 8:32-NLT)
I will have a couple of posts coming soon from revelations the Lord brought to me during my time with Him in The Prayer Room during my trip to the KC-IHOP.