Wrestling In My Brokenness

I’ve been processing what’s in my heart lately.  It can be very painful when you face the reality of what lies hidden deep within.  This post has been mulling around in my head for some time.  I’ve been afraid to let it out, afraid to appear weak, afraid of how I might be seen. But this space is where I share the reality of who I am — the good, the challenges, what God is doing in my heart.  And so I share, because I can’t hold it in any longer.  And I trust that He would use my words, as weak as they may seem, for His glory.

Pick me.

Since I was a little girl, I’ve yearned for the attention of others.  Surrounded by a loving family and friends who love me, still something deep inside my heart yearns for affirmation. There are moments when I want to scream, “Look at me!  Do you see me?  Is anyone looking at me?”

I love the Lord and long to give Him my whole heart, and it grieves me to think that I yearn for the affections of others above His.  But this is my brokenness, those still shattered and torn pieces of me longing to be put back together.  I long to be fixed, to be made whole, and in the process, I cry out for the love and attention of others.

There will come a day when I no longer yearn for the affections of man, and will truly rest in the love and affection of my Heavenly Father, the One who always sees me, inclines His ear to me, and loves me unconditionally.  But until that day, I wrestle in the brokenness of a heart that is not yet fully His.

What is My Motive.

This space is where I share my life — openly, honestly, vulnerable at times, in the hopes that you would be encouraged to reach further, to lay hold of the promises He has for your own life.  I never intended this blog to be a place to seek sympathy, to gain the approval of man, or to receive affirming words to fill up the voids in my own heart.  But I find myself in that place, with heart exposed yearning to be filled.

I’ve felt myself shrinking back, words stirring in the deep places of my heart, yet unable to find their surface.  Writing can be tiring, and when you are wrestling with the why it can be exhausting.  I am asking some hard questions — Why do I write?  I know what it started out to be, but what is God’s purpose in the now?  Am I holding true to what it is He has called me to do?

I write because it brings me joy, and I desire to have a place to record all that God has done in my life; but perhaps writing has become a means to fill an emotional void that perhaps I didn’t realize was there.  Don’t get me wrong.  I never write with the intent of being inward focused.  Yet at the same time, when I openly share my struggles and my own wrestling, I am faced with the reality that I may be doing just that.  Although I never want to write to fill an emotional need, I wrestle with the joy that I receive in doing so.  The affirmation feels good.  But something happened a while back that has me questioning my intentions and looking inward at the lack in my own heart.

I Wasn’t Chosen.

As bloggers, we love to be chosen — chosen to be read, chosen to be sponsored, chosen to win a giveaway, chosen to participate in the next big blogging thing.  It feels good, and that’s okay.  And multiple opportunities have passed me by without me even batting an eye.  Until recently.

There was something that I wasn’t chosen for that has left me reeling and digging deep to ask the hard questions.  And it wasn’t actually something that I was intentionally seeking.  Yet, everyone I knew in my blog community seemed to be participating, and the cloud of doubt came, and I turned inward and I wondered, “Why not me? What’s wrong with me?  Don’t they see me?  Am I not good enough?”

My heart felt raw, exposed, left out for all to see, yet there was only One before which I was examined. And He was gentle, so kind and loving. This is my brokenness. This empty part of me that rears it’s ugly head when I least expect it.  And the reality of my broken and shattered self has caused me to ask some hard questions.  “What is it that I am here for?  Why do I write?  Why am I craving man’s attention?  Have I truly given this Blog to God?  Why does it hurt so much not to be chosen?”

I know that God has called me to this space, but over the last few weeks I’ve been reevaluating my purpose.  God has reminded me that it’s not that I was rejected, it’s that He did not choose me for this one task.  I must trust His wisdom in knowing He will only lead me to those things which He has called me to.  Yet still I wrestle in my brokenness.  “Why does it hurt, God?  Why is what you’ve already given to me not enough?”

And in all the questioning, in all the laying down and surrendering to His will, there is beauty to be found, the beauty of a broken reality that says this — God has chosen me.  He has a purpose for me far greater than I can ever hope or imagine.  As I wrestle with my own humanity and am faced with my lack, I thank God that He, in His love and in His wisdom, brings those things to light that keep me from drawing closer to Him.

I have been Chosen

I have been chosen as a daughter of the King of Kings, to bring Him glory and honor.

I have been chosen by God to be wife to an amazing man, and mother to four beautiful children.

I have been chosen by God to be a minister of reconciliation to others.

I have been chosen by God to share His love with others.

I have been chosen by God to write His words onto your heart, to encourage you.

God sees me.
He inclines His ear to me.
He loves me, always and forever.

And I will offer Him the beauty of this broken heart to bring Him honor and glory.

I will offer Him the beauty of this broken heart to bring Him honor and glory. Click To Tweet

Thank you for allowing me to process out loud in this space.  I am thankful that the Lord continues to use my blogging journey to draw me closer to Him.  I am thankful that He allows me to wrestle with my brokenness so that beauty can be birthed.

Friend, are you wrestling with your own brokenness today?  Would you share in the comments below or email me privately?  I would love to pray for you.

53 thoughts on “Wrestling In My Brokenness”

  1. Dawn St Amand Paoletta says:

    Barbie, your heart is precious. Your transparency beautiful and your place is a place of refreshment for many. You are a blessing to me. Thank you for being you. Being here in the blogosphere, and faithfully sharing your struggles and joys open, honest and real. Love, and thanks, my friend.
    Dawn St Amand Paoletta recently posted..Forgiven

    1. Barbie says:

      Thank you Dawn. You bless me always!

  2. Mia says:

    Dear Barbie
    Now you are talking my kind of language! I am honored to have read this. We are all in danger of seeking the approval of man, and can only ask our Lord to weed out that root from our hearts. I have found that our Pappa has no problem with us coming to Him with all that is ugly in our life. He knows already and offers us His grace anyway to overcome!
    Blessings to you, my friend
    Mia recently posted..The Afikomen

    1. Barbie says:

      Thank you Mia. I am so thankful for His grace! Have a beautiful weekend.

  3. Sonya Barker ~At Home with The Barkers says:

    Sharing our story and struggles is what God wants us to do and today your struggle was meant to be shared with me! Thank you for your honesty!
    Sonya Barker ~At Home with The Barkers recently posted..Less is More

    1. Barbie says:

      Sonya, thank you for stopping by today!

  4. Robin@All Things Heart and Home says:

    Barbie, this post put words to feelings I battle almost every day. Honestly, sometimes I feel that the big world of blogging is a most loving community, Other times I get the feeling I’m back in high school, and left out of the clique. Words like ‘reject’ and ‘failure’ beat me up for days at a time. I’ll be doing a project and think, ‘why bother, this isn’t helpful to anyone–nothing I do is good-enough’.
    I can’t tell you how many times I’ve fallen to my knees with my hands open and given my “blog” back to God…”I’m willing Lord, to walk away from it” But (so far) EVERY time I do that, He sends one or two readers to encourage me…to tell me how my projects have inspired them to do something in their homes to create beauty or order, or someone says one of weekly ‘heart-posts’ was exactly what they needed to hear, that God spoke to them through my words.

    So I breathe deep, keep blogging and remind myself of these truths:
    *What I do online, is my ministry. My way of being a vessel. If God wants to use me in the life of just one…that’s His business. My business is to be obedient.

    That helps change my focus…helps me do the blog as unto the Lord.
    But Honey, I always have to fight that battle another day.
    Thank you for being brave enough to say what I’m guessing all of us feel at one time or another.
    Sending you love and prayers today my new friend
    Robin@All Things Heart and Home recently posted..Spring Mantle

    1. Barbie says:

      Robin, thank you for your encouragement today. “My business is to be obedient.” That’s what it is all about, isn’t it? Have a lovely weekend!

  5. Beth @ My Destiny says:

    Barbie, you aren’t alone. I have had feelings like this before too. I remember how I once begged for a leader to just throw me a crumb — a pat on the back — just SOMETHING. It really is a painful place to be and I completely understand.

    I am encouraging you to know that God only reveals these things in our lives to bring healing in that area. I am working on an area in my life too … an area that has been a thorn in my life long enough.

    You are such a blessing and I wish I could write like you. God’s gifts within you are so obvious.

    The healing in this area will manifest.

    Love you,
    Beth @ My Destiny recently posted..Six Years

    1. Barbie says:

      Thank you for your constant prayers and your love & encouragement!

  6. Sophia says:

    Your post truly touched me. There were times when I felt the same way. I lost my job recently and I keep struggling with why. My hubby has ESRD and cannot work. We have children in school. God knows this is a difficult situation and totally bad timing. I keep having to remind myself that He works in His time, not mine. I am still hurt and have feelings of rejection. Thank you for your prayers.

    Sophia recently posted..Wordless{ish} Wednesday ~ Naia

    1. Barbie says:

      Thank you Sophia for sharing your heart with me, so that I could pray for you. It’s often hard to wait for God’s timing to be revealed. I am praying that He will strengthen your heart as you wait on Him. Do not lose hope. He has good things in store for you and your family!

  7. Elizabeth says:

    Barbie, this blogging world can feel a bit like high school, with cliques and popularity or lack of popularity being an issue. It’s common for us all to feel less than at times, to want someone to notice us. Aren’t you glad that we have Jesus’ undivided attention, that we are His favorite one?

    While I don’t have it all together by any means, what helps me re. my blog, is that I have to think of it in the same way I think of our church or ministry. God has given us this sphere of influence. It may not be the biggest, the best, the one everyone is talking about, but this is the sphere of influence He has entrusted to us. We are responsible to do our best with the sphere of influence we have, to evaluate what our strengths are and focus on those, not on being what everyone else is or on their expectations of what we should be. You have a lot of influence right here. Just keep being you. Shine, my friend. (Isaiah 60 Amplified)
    Elizabeth recently posted..Speaking Mama’s love language…at My Freshly Brewed Life today

    1. Barbie says:

      Thank you so much Elizabeth. So much wisdom here for me to grab a hold of.

  8. ~Karrilee~ says:

    Oh Sweet Barbie… I so hear your heart here. I get it… I’ve been there in so many different ‘venues’ actually… even now – I write something out and bleed it onto my screen… breath deep – say a prayer and hit publish only to be discouraged when I get little to no comments or feedback! He reminds me again and again… words matter and I write for Him first… anyone else who receives encouragement or companionship is bonus! I remember getting a word spoken over me that if I would write it, He would publish it. I am still waiting for that but trust it is all in His timing and as you said, He will open the doors and give the tasks to do that He has chosen for us to do. So we write on…and for that I am so very glad, my friend! I am with you… and praying for you to find peace in the answers to those questions you are wrestling with!
    ~Karrilee~ recently posted..The Flow of Grace

    1. Barbie says:

      Thank you Karrilee. So grateful for you my friend.

  9. Barb Raveling says:

    Thanks for sharing, Barbie. I can’t think of anything that brings out the insecurities in me than blogging! It provides more “opportunities for growth” than I’d like to see. But the wrestling is good – at times I’ve felt like it’s the perfect trial for God to work in me as it deals so directly with things that need to be changed in my life.

    1. Barbie says:

      So true! Blogging does expose those very things in my heart that God wants to change. Thank you for stopping by to encourage my heart today.

    2. Pam says:

      Couldn’t agree more with you both. He who began a good work in us will bring it to completion. Sometimes it’s painful. Thanks for sharing, Barbie,
      Pam recently posted..What to do, What to do

  10. Child of God says:

    The worldly reality is we all want the approval of our peers. The heavenly reality is Father sets us apart and helps us strip ourselves of self.

    My sister once told me that if I only helped one person to see Jesus Christ then I have done a wonderful work and my reward in heaven would be very great. Barbie, you have helped many people to see Jesus Christ and your reward in heaven will be a mound full of treasures that will surpass any worldly acknowledgment from man. And when Father says, “Well done, my good and faithful servant!!” Your heart will soar so high and your grin will go past your ears that you will not even remember this sorrow you are feeling now.

    Rejection from man hurts a lot but rejection from God is eternal sorrow and suffering.

    You are doing an amazing job sister. Thank you for sharing your heart, as always your journey helps me along my journey.

    Child of God recently posted..George Mueller

    1. Barbie says:

      Thank you for lifting me up today with the truth of His Word. He truly is the only One that matters.

  11. susie klein says:

    Barbie, thank you for this post and for the ending offer to pray for others who struggle. I am asking many of the same questions and it stops me from posting as often as I used to. I do not want to be asking for sympathy or kudos. But I also do not feel worthy to be writing advice when I am so broken and confused.
    I do ask for your prayers Barbie. I am in a season of isolation, literally. We no longer socialize with our last church, have no new church and my 5 close friends all moved away this year. I have my Hubs, my dog, my online buddies and every once in a while my son who still lives in my state. See, I already hate the cry-baby sound of this comment! OY! Oh well, appreciate you, your honest words and your prayer.
    susie klein recently posted..3 Practical Ministry Tips

    1. Barbie says:

      Oh friend, you are not a cry baby. Thank you for trusting me to take this request before God. I cannot imagine the isolation you feel. All of my family is near me, I have a loving and large church family, and my dog is sitting on my lap as I type. I look around and realize how blessed I am. I will pray for you, asking God to bring those into your life that HE has meant to encourage and speak into you and your family. You are a treasure and I appreciate you!

  12. Emiliana Martin says:

    Yep. We’re on the same path. I try not to worry about how many will read my blog posts or how often I need to post. Rather, I write because God gives me the strength to tell my story. He has ordained it to be so, not me. I’ve had posts where less than 25 have read it. Oh well. I needed to write it. Those 25 or less needed to read it. It’s all about healing. You are such a wonderful woman in Christ, someone I respect deeply. I owe you a hug to remind you just how special you really are.

    1. Barbie says:

      Thank you friend. It’s not so much the amount of comments or who is reading that I wrestle with, it’s in the purpose behind why I write. Thank you for sharing this journey with me.

  13. Jennifer peterson says:

    Awww your are not alone, the blogging world can be tough and hard. I love how you said that you are chosen and yes you are. By the only ONE that matters. And your words I know they bless others they have and do bless me. Keep writing!! Love you!!
    Jennifer peterson recently posted..What I am doing with my kids

    1. Barbie says:

      You always bless my heart. Thank you Jennifer!

  14. Renée Gotcher says:

    This is the first time I have read your blog, and I know God made sure I would see this link posted by Melanie of Psychowith6 on Facebook today! I was literally “having a moment” right before I got online this afternoon where I was feeling envious of another mama friend whose business she created a few years ago is taking off to a whole new level of success & exposure, while she maintains being a wonderful homemaker and mom. I was looking in the mirror thinking, “Everyone thought I was going to do so much with my former career as a journalist. Now I am just a blogging homeschooling mom not making a penny. Why am I doing this?”

    I so appreciate your honesty in struggling with this! You reminded me that we are all works in progress, and God is still using us in our broken state. I am still struggling with this too. I want to serve the Lord with all my heart and stop worrying about the “results” — but it’s so opposite my Type A nature. At the same time, I know the enemy wants to trip me up in my weakness so that I don’t write and stop sharing.

    Last year I went through a very difficult season and I did stop writing. This year, I’ve been trying to stay open even when it’s hard, and I can see how God has been blessing me just as much as others receive encouragement through our sharing. Your prayer is my prayer, Barbie! Thanks for sharing today!
    Renée Gotcher recently posted..What’s Working Wednesday Link-Up: Week 6

    1. Barbie says:

      Renee, it’s so nice to meet you. Thank you for stopping to leave a word of encouragement. I hope to be able to visit your blog soon!

  15. Stephani says:

    I understand how you feel, but God has recently helped me to adopt this attitude, “one to One.” This means, bringing one soul to the one who created it. That is why I am trying to remember with blogging. Every time I write, I’m writing for myself yes, but I am also writing for the one person on the other side of the screen who may need THE One. Maybe they don’t know Jesus, or maybe they do but they are brokenhearted or confused. If one post can turn one life around, praise be to God. You are a blessing!!
    Stephani recently posted..Who She Is

    1. Barbie says:

      I love the “one to One” approach. Thank you Stephanie!

  16. Mary @ Redo 101 says:

    Beautifully said. I know we have all struggled with this (tho some hide it better than others 🙂

    Hugs ~ Mary

    1. Barbie says:

      Thank you Mary!

  17. Steph says:

    I have been struggling with many of the same things in my life and recently God in his graciousness has revealed to me that my issue of people pleasing is something that holds me back and hinders His best for me. He is dealing with me in love, he is so faithful. Thanks for this post friend. I don’t get here enough!! <3

    1. Barbie says:

      Oh Steph, so sorry for the delayed reply. So many struggle with this. I am so thankful that God deals lovingly to walk us through it!

  18. Kerri says:

    oh how i live this brokenness and fight my human nature for that approval of man.
    you know bits of my marital breakdown…the newest is that my husband feels that we will just “not work out”. i ache so deep with these words and from that ache i responded to him with, “so i can expect my divorce papers then?” it changed his response slightly…to a “it’s not going to work…right now”. i am overwhelmed and not even sure if that response changed to somewhat ease my pain or because the reality of divorce was too much for him.
    i only share this part to get to the GOOD stuff. God has such a way of opening my eyes when i need them open….lessening the pain when i feel like i am bleeding out!
    i came home after this conversation and sunk into a hot bath….the tears running down my face…i cried out in prayer. i bawled it out there before God….laying my fleece at His feet…(in Canada you need to be separated for one year before you can file for divorce)…”God, one year is July, if this marriage is not to work then please allow my husband to release me….so i can move on. if it is your desire to reconcile us bring us to that place by then”. am i wrong in praying this…am i handing God an ultimatum? or am i just pulling a “Gideon”? either way…am i fully trusting God?…i mean God is all for marriage and i have no doubt God brought my husband and i together…blessed us with 2 beautiful children that my husband was not supposed to be able to have…who am i to doubt God’s plan?
    there i am…face soaked in hot tears, burning eyes and steaming bath and i hear it….that still small voice…the one i NEVER hear…(i’m a cuff in the back of the head…”did you get it now?”…kinda girl)…but there it was…
    God was persistent with this, a number…2…2…2 years…yup, 2 years…i would need…
    i have never been in all my life able to not run into the arms of a man if a relationship failed…i have never allowed myself the time to heal entirely before diving in head over heals…again!
    God simply stated…fall head over heals for Me…let me be your Man…let me heal your brokenness.
    i’m not sure where my marriage is headed but i have been given instruction by my God to “be still” and wait…and heal…and grow…
    i shared this with my mom and still wasn’t sure about the “2” part…she asked me to pray that night for confirmation as she would do the same.
    that next morning i read the lyrics to Laura Story’s “Blessings”…what if a 1000 sleepless nights is what it takes to know your near?….1000 sleepless nights….2 years 8 1/2 months….i am 8 1/2 months into this separation…well if the math ain’t any clearer than that!!
    God is good!!! and i trust Hm with my marriage, my husband, my children and me!! will i still wrestle with my own brokenness?…sure will!! but i have a great God who wants nothing more than great things for me and my family and so i will trust…and obey!!
    blessings my friend…i always love your authenticity and your heart!!
    thanks for letting me share a little bit of my own broken parts…
    Kerri recently posted..His eye is on the sparrow

    1. Barbie says:

      Kerri, I am so thankful you shared this with me. I am so sorry I did not reply sooner. I meant to come back here, but then life happened 🙂 God is so faithful. Pour yourself into Him. Allow Him to grab your pain and use it for His glory. I am praying for you my friend, that God would draw you deeper into His love, and that your marriage would be restored, and better than before! Love & hugs!

  19. Lisa @ {4}SLP says:

    ugh, my friend we live paralleled lives in so many ways. you wrote my heart here, so i am praying for yours! i am so glad knows us deeper than we do, because then i find comfort in knowing he will do good in our own faults.
    Lisa @ {4}SLP recently posted..turning to DO business

    1. Barbie says:

      Amen my friend. God knows us inside and out. I believe HE opened my eyes to this struggle for a purpose and for His glory. Love you!

  20. Ashley Ditto says:

    My friend, you have such a beautiful spirit that I love. Your writing is such a reflection of that.
    Ashley Ditto recently posted..The Heat of Life

    1. Barbie says:

      Thank you Ashley!

  21. Rosann says:

    I have also chosen you, to be my dear friend who I love so much. Your heart and your writing…and YOU are beautiful. Your transparency encourages my brokenness. (((Hugs)))
    Rosann recently posted..Through the Eyes of Her 7 Year Old Heart…

    1. Barbie says:

      You encourage me so much. I am sorry for the delayed response. I forgot to come back and reply 🙂 Thank you for choosing to share this journey with me. I am blessed by you!

  22. Jamie says:

    A finer blog post I could not have read at this very moment in time. While I am still wrestling with the very questions and exact thoughts you mentioned (perhaps for different reasons), I know the Lord led me here today. Knowing that I was led here, I have to encourage you – you were chosen to write His words on my heart and even though you were wrestling, you cannot give up! In fact, as I look at the titles of the related posts, I cannot help but feel we might be kindred in some way. It seems strange to ask you to pray for me, but please pray for me as I wrestle? I will in turn be praying for you!

    God bless!
    Jamie recently posted..a cluttered heart

    1. Barbie says:

      Jamie, I am thankful God led you to my blog to read this post. I struggled, even in the writing of it, that it would appear as if I was again grabbing for words of affirmation. But I know that I know that He asked me to write it, through the struggle and the tears. So many find themselves in this place. Thank you for your encouragement, and of course, I will be praying for your struggle. I pray that God would give you strength, and the grace to continue walking forward. He will bring you through. Love and hugs!

  23. Rebekah says:

    Your writing is always wonderful, so the fact that you have not been “chosen” for certain things is no reflection on the quality of your website or writing at all. I guess sometimes we can take things personally as bloggers, thinking why haven’t I been chosen. It doesn’t have much to do with us as individuals though- it’s just so competitive out there unfortunately. Many times I think it is just because the right eyes have not stumbled upon what we have to offer, or haven’t “discovered” us yet. I say yet, because trust that if you keep doing what you love God WILL provide the right opportunities! 🙂 I know how you feel though, because it would be easy to get caught up in all of the numbers, page views, invitations to do this or that, etc. It’s especially easy to get caught up in that when we hear others success stories, or when we compare ourselves to others. As far as being chosen goes though, I chose you! 😀 I actually don’t subscribe to or read many blogs regularly because I just don’t have the time to keep up with it all. But in conencting with you during five minute fridays, and in stopping by here to read, I liked your heart and spirit, and so I keep choosing you and keep coming back. I seek you out every Friday at Lisa-Jos! Stay true to yourself, keep your focus on writing what you are passionate about and everything else will come.

    1. Barbie says:

      Thank you Rebekah! Your encouragement means more tome than you could know. Thank you for choosing to allow me to share my journey with you!

  24. Jacqui says:

    Barbie, thank you so much for your vulnerability here. You are such a dear sister in the Lord, and I’m glad I’ve read this. I get it! And I didn’t take it as weak or anything else for that matter – just sincere and honest. I’ve been wrestling with my own humanity much too much, lately, and it gets exhausting! I’ve got a couple unfinished posts I’ve been wanting to throw out, because I fear they sound too self-focused, too vulnerable, and I fear no one will relate. I feel so exposed when I write my heart and when there isn’t the kind of response I hope for, it can feel like rejection. So I love this post!! I love that it doesn’t matter, except what God has to say about us. That if we mess up, it’s okay, He still loves us and His grace covers. I love that what really matters is that we’re writing for Him, and all results are in His hands, for His glory. Even if just one person is encouraged, or led to the Lord in a new light, that’s eternal, and eternal matters. Anyway, thanks again. <3
    Jacqui recently posted..Comment on For When We Desire Unity {Come to Us Like Rain!} by Anna

    1. Barbie says:

      Jacqui, thank you! It’s still a struggle for me, but each and every day I surrender my gifts to the Lord. You are an instrument of His grace and His glory shines through you! Be encouraged my sister.

  25. Joan says:

    I think most of us (all of us?) long to be accepted and chosen. God created our hearts and the capacity to love and be loved, but, just as you know, we aren’t always chosen, loved or even liked by people around us. That can hurt. We can try and try to satisfy others and our need to be loved but be disappointed over and over again when we look to humans for that satisfaction. Praise God that in Him, we are never disappointed! He loves us more than humanly possible. You are right…He chose us, and He chose us to be in relationship with Him! What a blessing! He has a purpose for all of us, He has a purpose for you! Thank you for sharing your feelings and how you worked through them — what an encouragement!

    Blessings, Joan
    Joan recently posted..Treasure Forever!

  26. Christina says:

    Barbie, thank you for sharing with such transparency. It helps others more than you know. Going to God with those honest feelings is crucial to having that real, intimate relationship with Him. I have been struggling in so many areas, but He has been faithful and still is to help me through.

  27. Susan Shipe says:

    Barbie – you picked a good one to “throwback.” xoxo

  28. Melissa says:

    Wow, this is so vulnerable and just hits the nail right on the head. I can SO relate to this!

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