Faith, Writing & Blogging

When Brokenness Remains

©Laura DeLeon (used with permission)

The not writing, it’s been hard.  The fear that I have nothing of value to say weighs heavily on my heart.  I lay it at His feet every day, confessing my weakness and my need of Him, but still the words fail to come.  Yet in the silence, He is faithful to bring me to exactly where I need to be, at His feet.  And at His feet is where He speaks to my heart.  At His feet, while kneeling in complete surrender, is where He takes me from ashes to beauty.  This writing thing, it’s become hard, lacking in joy, and a road I’d rather not walk.  Yet I’ve chosen to lay it at His feet, asking the Refiner’s Fire to come and purify it, to make beauty out of the dust, and to use me for His glory.

I’ve had a revelation.

This season of slow, of laying back and laying down, it’s about so much more than the writing.

God in His gentleness and faithfulness has revealed areas of my life that are out of balance and out of touch with Him. There are things that I must prioritize and get in order if I am truly to give Him ALL the glory.  Whether or not that includes writing, it doesn’t really matter.

It’s not really about the writing, or the lack thereof.

It’s about my imperfect walk with the Lord, my lack of discipline and how running from Him is sometimes easier than facing the truth.

It’s about my messy, work-in-progress marriage, and how I need to do better at loving my husband.  We have some work to do, but we know God will bring us through the storm.

It’s about my shortcomings as a mother, how I raise my voice, am selfish, controlling and how I need to do better.

It’s about my health, how I take care of everyone else but me, and how I avoid the underlying causes as to why I am overweight.

It’s about my job, how ministry should be exciting and filled with joy, but how I’ve allowed myself to become exhausted, worn out and nearly burned out.

It’s about this space, where I come to share my heart, openly and honestly, and yet I find myself asking if I’ve been faithful with this calling.  Are my words truly written for Him and Him alone, or am I secretly seeking the approval of man and the consolation of those who will remind me that I am worthy.

I replied to a comment on my blog recently,

If I do not allow Him to use me in my brokenness than I have nothing left to give.

[Tweet “He promises to make beautiful things out of the ashes of my life. So I will offer Him my ashes, knowing that in due time, He will restore all things.”]

This space? I love and adore it.  And I love and adore all of you.  But it pales in comparison to my relationship with Jesus and my family, and it is not as important as my health.  For now, I am choosing to remain broken and ask God to help put the pieces of my life back together. I will continue to make a choice to lay low, allowing Him to fill me up in the hope that He will continue to give me the privilege of pouring out.

For now, my writing commitments are on Mondays (continuing my Becoming Living Art Series as I blog through Emily Freeman’s A Million Little Ways) and The Weekend Brew on Fridays.  I am also continuing my Featured Friend Wednesdays posts with guest bloggers for a season.  If you have a blog and would like to be considered to write a guest post sometime in July, August or September, please use the contact tab at the top of the blog and send me a note.  I am not accepting guest posts from non-bloggers at this time. I reserve the right to say “no” if I feel you are not a good fit. 🙂

Thank you for your continued encouragement and your prayers.  God has surrounded me with true friends, gifts and treasures in my life, and for each of you I am truly grateful.

Linking up with the beautiful Beth for Three Word Wednesday on a Thursday!

16 thoughts on “When Brokenness Remains”

  1. Beth says:

    Barbie, you remain in my prayers dear friend. I know this has been a difficult time for you but your writing reveals how God is drawing you closer and closer to Him. It is so true, nothing compares to our relationship with Him and our families (and health too). You inspire me to lean in closer to Him and ask Him to reveal to me what I am still placing ahead of Him. The brokenness I know you feel, He is using. You are loved friend. So loved. I’m so grateful you have shared this with TWW. But ever more grateful for YOU. You have such a beautiful heart and I’m so glad to call you friend. Much love and hugs. XOXO
    Beth recently posted..Three Word Wednesday: Faith ~ Life ~ Community {Guest Post}

    1. Barbie says:

      You are a treasure in my life friend. Thank you!

  2. Kelli says:

    Barbie, I am praying for you. Your words sink deep and inspire me to seek God in my own struggles to write and share. Thank you for your commitment here for your continual “yes”. Love you!

    1. Barbie says:

      Love you back Kelli. Thankful to be on this journey with you.

    1. Barbie says:

      Brandee, thank you so much for stopping by and for your encouragement and prayers.

  3. Madelain says:

    Stumbled upon your blog and what a beautiful post of an open heart! I appreciate your honesty and I’m sure God does too! For when we humble ourselves before him, he is pleased(: Praying for you. Loves~

    1. Barbie says:

      Madelain, thank you for your visit and for your prayers!

  4. Carrie says:

    Please remember one thing, dear friend – you don’t owe anyone an explanation. We all fall short and if we are honest with ourselves, we’ll never place judgment on others. Keeping you in my thoughts!
    Carrie recently posted..One Day He Won’t Come To Me

    1. Barbie says:

      Yes, friend, I know this truth. It helps me to put it out there, and my prayer is that it would help someone else who may be in a similar struggle. Thankful to have you along on this journey.

  5. Satin says:

    Friend, this is exactly what God is calling you to, for this season. I fully relate to EVERYTHING you are saying in this post. When we run, we can’t hide, we only hinder God’s work in our lives. It’s in our utter brokenness that He uses us the most, because we are fully yielded to him, unassuming of the glory-giving it all to Him. You truly are a gift. Your passion comes through in your writing & I love your words. Thank you for sharing this journey with us. It’s so encouraging to know that we’re not alone; that someone else understands what we’re going through! Praying for you & confident that the work God is perfecting in you will result in an out-pouring of blessings! Love to you! ♥
    Satin recently posted..Rest Rains Blessings

    1. Barbie says:

      I am so thankful for you, so thankful. Hugs!

  6. Kaylene says:

    This post is awesome! I’ve been dealing with a lot of bitterness lately. I’m a stuffer, but I’ve learned there’s no brokenness without openness & no healing without dealing. Thank you for your open heart. You have encouraged me greatly! Thank you, dear sister in Christ. Heart hugs & prayers lifting!
    Kaylene recently posted..S.W.A.G.: She Exudes Kindness

    1. Barbie says:

      Kaylene, it was my prayer in publishing this post that it would encourage others. So thankful you stopped by. Thank you for your prayers!

  7. Melody says:

    Oh friend I just love your heart. The humility that’s evident. I struggle in some of the same areas and my writing seems effected by my times of inconsistency and my own personal brokenness as well. Sometimes I feel fake when writing because I know I have other struggles going on but don’t want to necessarily write about them and expose them to a broad audience. But I don’t think it means a lack of authenticity. Keep running to the feet of Jesus. I will too.
    Melody recently posted..The power of a Mom’s willingness to let go

    1. Barbie says:

      Melody, I’m so thankful you stopped by. I do believe God gives us our journeys so that they could be shared. Not everything perhaps, but some things. Thankful to have you along on this journey.

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