I had a long, sort of weary, tear shed day yesterday. I’ve been feeling lost, scattered, not all together, a little off. I know it’s a season, and that He promises to bring me through, pull me out of, walk with me in the midst of, yet all I wanted in the moment was for the sadness to disappear, for the stress to lift and for the feelings of blah to go away.
I could have stayed there, alone, left to my despair and self-pity, yet I decided to reach out for prayer from a community of women I love and admire but have never met. Our lives, our stories, have entertwined here and there and their words have breathed hope and life into my heart countless times. And so I shared my struggle, my fight for survival, my feelings of weariness. One by one the responses came in. These women, sent by God to lift my weary arms. I wasn’t expecting this. Not the magnitude of words poured out. But my heart so needed it.
I asked the Lord last night as I was laying in bed what it was I was supposed to do. And in a still small whisper spoken straight to my heart, I heard Him say,
Just be mine.
I dared not ask how. I dared not ask Him to show me the path. How does one just be His when there is so much in life crying out for attention?
I am on a journey, friends, to just be His.
I do not know what this next season will look like. I may sneak away for more quiet time. My heart desperately needs it. I may take more extended periods of time away, and I ask for your grace. I may be a little inconsistent in my writing, as I want to get back to a place where I share when the Spirit of God prompts me to share, without worrying about putting up a post for the sake of filling space.
I am at a crossroads on this journey. I almost quit. I almost gave it all up, yet I know my heart would have grieved if I had. I do not believe that is the path for me, at least not at this point. But I need to find my way again, and really, I need to find Him again in this.
Life gets crowded and we push through and trudge forward through the mirk and mire of life, all the while forgetting the He is with us, right there in the mud. The wrestle, the ache, the deep sighs, He hears it, sees it and knows the outcome.
I want to just be His, fully, without reservation. I don’t want to care what anyone thinks. I don’t want to compare myself to others. I don’t want to covet another’s gifting or anointing. I don’t want to wonder if I am enough, or if I’m making a difference, or if I matter.
Because really, all that matters is Him. If I’m not fully His, I will continue chasing after temporary fulfillment. Even this space, it’s temporary. Oh, the words will live on, but at some point the writing will cease. Yet He will remain.
I want Him. I need Him. I must have Him. My heart will faint if I try to fill it with anyone or anything else. He loves me. He desires me. He will show me the way.
My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. (Psalm 73:26)
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