I am writing this post a reminder to myself of the truth.
I’ve had a rough couple of weeks where I’ve found myself reaching for truth, clinging to what I know is right, yet giving into the chaos swirling around me.
Depression and anxiety come easy for me in this season.
It starts with an “I’m not good enough attitude” as I watch the Christmas traditions of those around me far and wide unfold before my eyes – beautiful homes, beautiful trees, ornately wrapped packages, Christmas photos, vacation spots. It all gets overwhelming. So I do what most people do in those times. I retreat. I pull away. I try not to allow my eyes more than a few minutes of looking for fear I may be overcome more by what I don’t have than what I do have.
God has given me so many beautiful blessings. Yet, this time of year I tend to compare myself to others and desire more.
I’ve been in a long winter season. And actually, it was starting to feel more like spring around here the last few months. But we’ve been hit with another blow and honestly, I do not understand God’s ways at times.
After 4 years of unemployment and off and on jobs over the last year or so, my husband finally got a well paying job in his field of construction. Things were going so well. We caught up on our rent, paid off some bills and were all set to have a nice Christmas — until it all came to an abrupt halt.
Hubby has been off work now a couple of weeks with unexplained swelling in his right knee. So bad he can hardly walk. He is scheduled to have an MRI on Christmas Eve, and he may be heading towards disability.
I’ve been down this road before. God has always proven faithful in our time of lack, but I would not be honest if I didn’t tell you this whole thing is eating me alive. While we will receive disability benefits it may not be enough to pay our rent in a timely manner, and our landlord has only given us a couple of months to stay caught up or else we will need to move.
All of this, and Christmas, it is just overwhelming.
I told a friend the other day if I could lock myself in a room with Jesus, where I could focus on Him and not allow the cares of the world to overtake me, I would.
I want so badly to believe that in the winter season comes the promise of Spring.
As a I busy myself with preparations for Christmas, trying hard not to overspend as we will need much to get us through this season, I am fighting for peace and joy.
I know this isn’t the most uplifting Christmas post you’ve read, but it’s where I’m at.
Both of the above paintings where painted last Sunday during worship service. Mine is the green one, with the hearts dangling from the vines, and my co-painter painted the beautiful winter tree above. We did not talk beforehand about anything that God may have laid on our hearts to paint. I wasn’t even scheduled and filled in at the last minute.
The winter tree is just starting to bloom with the promise of spring.
While I would have preferred to paint smaller vines rather than the branches depicted in my painting, I believe the branches in my painting were carried over from the winter tree, and are now adorned with the promise of hope, peace, love and life.
I am clinging to this prophetic picture today. Even though we’ve entered another winter season, a very uncertain season, God promises to bring us through into spring again, overflowing with his love, life, peace and hope.
And there is joy.
Will you pray for provision for our family today? Nearly two weeks of wage loss has taken it’s toll, and we do not know what type of benefit my husband will receive should he have to go on disability.
Most importantly, will you pray for healing for him?
And will you pray for my heart in this season? Depression and anxiety are real, but that doesn’t mean I need to give in. I want to stay focused on Jesus and His promises for our family.
God is worthy to be worshiped no matter what season I am in.