I’m a California girl, born and raised. I love the weather here, not too cold, not too hot. Even though it’s been cool and rainy here, I know that Spring is on the horizon.
In a spiritual sense, though, I’m in the middle of a winter that has seemed to linger far too long now. My family keeps finding ourselves in places of loss and transition — hard, fear-fighting transition.
I long for winter to pass. I want to go outside and feel the sunshine on my face. I want to take long walks without a coat, and sip an iced latte. I want to feel my toes sink deep into the spring grass.
Spring is a season of life and hope and of new beginnings. I want this season very much in my life now.
I wish I could tell you that I’m doing okay. Well perhaps I am, doing just okay. I feel as if I am in survival mode. I wouldn’t be honest if I didn’t tell you I’m struggling through this winter. I keep trying to brush away the cold. unwilling to yield to the cool air which takes your breath away.
I want so badly to lean in to the whispers of God in this season.
I have not forsaken you.
Trust in Me.
Keep your eyes on Me.
For I know the plans I have for you….
Plans to prosper you, not to harm you.
To give you a hope and a future.
My heart is heavy and I’m fighting anxiety and depression on a daily basis. I want so badly to be strong, just like I’ve been in other seasons of loss. Yet sometimes the reality of so much loss and heartache over so few years becomes so overwhelming. It’s all I can do sometimes to swim to the surface, gasp for air and sink back down again where I can remain unfeeling and hope that this will pass soon.
Some would ask, “where is your faith?”. I ask myself this question, all the time. My head tells me that God is good. My heart cries out, “show me your goodness, Lord”.
We came out of the wilderness, bruised, broken but with so much hope. And out of no where, circumstances leave us yearning, wanting, begging, asking, knocking. I can’t hear His voice. I don’t know what He’s saying.
“Where are you in all of this, God?”
“Did you not promise to bring us through the wilderness?”
I question why. I sometimes feel guilty for the way that I feel. And I hesitate to bare my brokenness here. But this space has been built on transparency. So I will continue to come, when I can muster the strength, and bare my heart and soul.
My heart aches for a life free of stress and worry. I know all about casting my cares and putting my hope in God. My reality is a mix of emotions with a head that believes, but a heart that must fight every day to hold on to that belief.
My head tells me that God is good. My heart cries, “show me your goodness, Lord!”
If you follow my personal Facebook page, you will know that I have set up a GoFundMe account to help our family with rent and food during the time my husband is disabled. If you don’t know the background, it’s all there. We covet your prayers and if you are able to help in any way, we would greatly appreciate it. You can click here to find out more.
We don’t have too far to go to reach our goal, although my husbands prognosis is uncertain and his condition has become very debilitating.
All we can do is continue to cry out for God to show us His goodness.
Yet I am confident I will see the LORD’s goodness while I am here in the land of the living. (Psalm 27:13)
Thank you for your grace and for allowing me to share my heart so openly with you here. I love this community. You encourage me greatly.
Weekend Whispers is place to share what God is whispering to your heart. It can be a post, a photo, a scripture — just as long as it’s encouraging and uplifting. Be sure to visit your link-up neighbors. *Please link up ONE post. Any additional posts may be deleted. We do not want to distract people from visiting one another. We appreciate your understanding.