This has been home to me for over 20 years. I’ve served with all of my heart for many years; now I just attend, sporadically, when I’m able to get out of bed and get moving. Sometimes depression and anxiety keep me home. Sometimes I just don’t feel like going. Sometimes I don’t want to go and just sit on the sidelines, watching things play out that I once felt so sure I was to be a part of. I know it’s been a few years now, but the truth of the matter is I am still broken, still hurting. I wonder if anyone really sees the depth of my pain.
When the human heart is aching, we do our best to mask our true feelings. We fear being seen for who we really are. We fear making our feelings known because the voice inside our heads tells us we are wrong to feel the way we do. Only God really knows the war that rages on the inside. On one hand you tell yourself to pull it together, to get over it, what’s done is done and remind yourself that you are in a better place. On the other hand you remind yourself of prophetic words spoken over you about how you would serve there all of your days, you remember the building process and how you labored in prayer, you remember the good ‘ole days and you long for that again.
It’s hard when you move from a place of being so involved to not being involved at all. After the job loss, I removed myself from serving in any capacity. My heart needed to heal. It still needs to heal. There is still so much pain and grief that I experience just being there. In a way I feel as if I’m missing out. But God reminds me that all things happen for a reason and that He still as a purpose for my life.God reminds me that He still has a purpose for my life. #glimpsesofhisbeauty Click To Tweet
There is a part of me that longs for things to be as they once were, but know that things are better the way they are. I realize that my heart is stuck in between the place of hurting and healing, in between the place of resistance and restoration. There is a battle that rages on in my soul as I try to cover up my brokenness. I want so desperately to be whole, to walk in freedom, to feel His presence again. I hide my heart at the risk of exposure. I’m so thankful that His grace covers my brokenness.
I can feel the weight of His grace again as the tears fall. I hold back, not wanting to draw attention to myself. I can feel the warmth of my tears as I long to enter in to the freedom that others around me are experiencing. Yet I guard my heart, put up walls. I don’t want to hurt, I don’t want to face the pain. Yet this grace feels heaviest when I resist the freedom that He wants to bring. I think I’m holding on to the pain, longing for someone to look me in the eye, to really look at me, and ask me how I am really doing.
I come and worship Him because He is worthy to be worshipped.
I come to support my family as they lead in worship.
I come because I long for healing.
I come because it’s hard to let go.
On days like today, I am thankful for the weight of His grace that breaks through my brokenness to reaffirm my heart and remind me that everything will be okay. He is a good Father and He has a good plan for my life.He is a good Father and He has a good plan for my life. #glimpseshisbeauty Click To Tweet
And now I continue to list the beauty that I’m finding in my every day life.
341. Flowers blooming that remind me that Spring is coming.
324. A heart-to-heart with my husband.
343. Peppermint tea with honey.
344. Cherry pie and ice cream with a friend.
345. The weight of His grace that breaks through my brokenness.
346. A warm shower that helps soothe tired muscles.
347. My grandson overloading me with kisses.
348. Teaching my grandson his colors.
349. Hearing testimony of how the Lord is working in my childrens’ lives.
350. His faithfulness to all generations.
It is time to share the glimpses of beauty found this week.
Words written, gratitude given, photos taken, things created — anything that reflects the beauty of God revealed in your ordinary life.
1. Grab the button to place in your post, or simply link back here.
2. Link up with the post permalink, and not just your blog url.
3. Visit and encourage others who link up. We need each other!
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5. Use the hashtag #glimpsesofhisbeauty so that we can find each other’s posts.