Some days the weight of what I’m processing through seems so heavy. It’s not that I have any huge issue going on, but it’s a lot of little things that have happened (or didn’t happen) over the last several years that are robbing me of the peace that is rightfully mine in Christ. I’ve been pondering today what it means to feel crushed in spirit.
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit
Exhaustion plays a huge role in my emotional well being, and most days I function on about 4-5 hours sleep. Not near enough for a woman who carries as much as I do. I’ve been thinking I should probably try and get to bed earlier most days, but when the house is quite and the kids go to bed, I like to lose myself in Netflix marathons. In a way, I’m choosing to add to the stress on my mind, body and spirit by not taking better care of myself. But I can’t seem to give up the “me” time that I so desperately crave. I don’t have to think when I’m sitting in front of the TV. It’s easy to get lost in someone else’s problems and take a break from your own.
When your heart is broken, you do anything you can to avoid the issues. At least I do. So many years of disappointment, lost dreams, financial stress and other things have caused me to go a little numb, a lot numb. I want to be in touch with my feelings, yet I don’t. I trust God that He is the Healer and able to bring me through, but it’s the process that I fear.
God is patient. He does not demand His way. He will sit back and wait for us to come to Him. I know that if I were to give him my brokenness, completely, holding nothing back, that He would be faithful to lead me through to the other side. I think I’ve become so comfortable with not feeling anything that I’m afraid to feel.
As I process through this part of my life, I am thankful for this promise today, that God is near to the brokenhearted. He will not abandon me in my time of sorrow. No matter how long I hold on to those things I should have laid down a long time ago, God understands. I’m disappointed in myself for not having more faith, for not rising above the ashes of my life, for not standing because all I want to do is lay down.
I want to open my heart up again. I want to feel His love and mercy. I want to be in touch with my own feelings so that I could understand how I’ve allowed myself to get to this place.
My prayer is that God would be near, that I would feel the weight of His presence as He leads me through to the other side.My prayer is that God would be near, that I would feel the weight of His presence as He leads me through to the other side. #glimpsesofhisbeauty Click To Tweet
*I never intended to share so personally and vulnerably about my bouts with depression and my deep disappointment about where I am in my life spiritually. But this is what’s coming out these days. I hope you don’t mind. I am so glad you are here.
And now I continue to list the beauty that I’m finding in my every day life.
551. A last minute coffee date with a friend.
552. Our new-to-us dining room table (pictures coming soon!)
553. A husband who knows how to work with wood.
554. A God who draws near to the brokenhearted.
555. A hotel room booked for our weekend getaway coming soon.
556. A unexpected bonus at work.
557. A refrigerator full of leftovers for lunches this week.
558. Scholarships for my kids who leave for youth retreat tomorrow.
559. He upholds me with His strong right arm.
560. Psalm 43:5
The Glimpses link up will open at 12:01 AM (PST) each Monday, and will remain open through Noon on Saturday. I am looking forward to reading your posts and visiting your blogs this week!
It is time to share the glimpses of beauty found this week.
Words written, gratitude given, photos taken, things created — anything that reflects the beauty of God revealed in your ordinary life.
1. Grab the button to place in your post, or simply link back here.
2. Link up with the post permalink, and not just your blog url.
3. Visit and encourage others who link up. We need each other!
4. Share about the link up on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter.
5. Use the hashtag #glimpsesofhisbeauty so that we can find each other’s posts.