When You Can’t Find Your Way Back

When I thought I lost me
You knew where I left me
You reintroduced me to your love
You picked up all my pieces
Put me back together
You are the defender of my.

I’m here. Barely. Thank you for your patience with me as I weathered a very stressful tax season at the office. The tax preparer we hired in the summer quite right before tax season started, and then our EA (my boss’s mother who started the firm over 40 years ago) got sick and so we were on our own the last three weeks. I put in a lot of overtime but we got it done, even though we had to put a lot of her clients on extension. We will continue to prepare our individual returns but the stress of the season is mostly behind us.

I’ve been pondering this post. I’ve missed you all so much and yet I find myself in the same place where I’ve been most of this year, feeling as if I have nothing to offer you. I no longer feel as if I have a niche nor do I feel that I have anything worthy to say.

Some have asked if it’s time to lay the blog down. I’ve pondered this as well. I’ve really only been blogging once a week for the last year or so, so it’s not that I’m trying to write and nothing is happening.  I long to be more present in this place, but I don’t know how right now.  Honestly, I don’t know where I would be in this season of my life if it wasn’t for those of you who come here periodically to say hello, to encourage my heart and to pray for me. I think it’s for that reason that I’m hanging on to the blog, although the writing is (and has been) scarce. I need you.

For now, I’m laying the link up down. I’ve struggled over it, because Mondays have been my only consistent day of writing and if it goes, I fear I may disappear.  I’m hoping that God will resurrect it, once He resurrects me.  I need to return to the land of the living. I want to be the powerful, strong woman that He created me to be.  But there are still so many things I’m struggling with in my life and I believe that is why it’s been hard for me to come here to write.  One cannot offer hope and healing to others when they so desperately need it themselves. I believe the link up should be a place of hope and encouragement and I cannot continue it if I’m in a downward spiral.

One cannot offer hope and healing to others when they so desperately need it themselves. Click To Tweet

I’ve been laying hold of the chorus in Rita Springer’s song, Defender.  I do feel lost. I’m not sure how to find my way back to the land of the living.  I know I’ve put up many walls and that is one reason that I walk around in a daze and can’t feel anything.  I am broken and hurting and disillusioned with many things, but I am thankful for a God who picks up the pieces of my life and puts me back together again.

My hope is that I won’t disappear altogether and that I won’t lose you all in the process. I understand if you need to unsubscribe. I will be reading your blogs as often as I can and I know that God will encourage my heart through your words.

I love and appreciate you all. Thank you for the continual grace you offer to me in this space. I would welcome your prayers as I continue to wrestle and struggle through this season.

14 thoughts on “When You Can’t Find Your Way Back”

  1. Laura Rath says:

    Barbie, sometimes it’s time to take a step back and take care of ourselves. This is that time for you. Lean into Him and let Him renew you as only He can. We’ll be here when you come back.
    Praying for you friend,

  2. Bev @ Walking Well With God says:

    Sometimes we ALL need to take a break because life just gets too overwhelming. Having suffered from anxiety and depression, there have been days, weeks, months that I could barely pour a bowl of cereal let alone write for others. Its OKAY to step back and take care of YOU. You matter to us and if some one on one time with God loving on you is what you need, then so be it. Go to the well. Go to His Word and crawl into His loving lap of love. He cares about you and wants to see you whole! We do too!
    Love and ((hugs)) sweet friend,
    Bev xx

  3. Michele Morin says:

    Thank you, Barbie, for sharing your heart here with such honesty. I think you are wise to take a break from the stress of a weekly linkup and just let the healing happen as God continues to work. I do hope you will continue to find grace to write as He leads you.
    Blessings and love to you!

  4. Lisa notes says:

    I pray that taking a break from the blog will bring a season of refreshing for you, Barbie. You won’t be forgotten! May you find this to be healing and freeing.

  5. Maree Dee says:

    I stopped and prayed for you this morning. I have no doubt; God has something good in store for you. However, maybe it will look different. I appreciate your willingness to be vulnerable with us.

    Thank you for hosting your wonderful linkup as long as you did. I was so glad to find it. You will be missed but I a hoping our paths will cross.

    Tax season is hard and stressful all by itself. Blogging is time consuming even when its once a week. Sometimes we need me time so God can redirect and heal us. Healing or managing a struggle takes work and time. I am glad you are stepping back.

    Who knows what he might have in store for you. I had to step out of preparing taxes something I loved to care for someone else. Then of all things, God led me to write and a ministry for families with a loved one with mental health challenges. Never what I planned or dreamed but love.

    God loves you he will show you the way. I hope you do have a group that will come alongside you with support.

    Blessings and prayers for you,

    I am not sure if I have subscribed. I just always come here on Monday. I would love to be subscribed, so I know when you are back.

  6. BettieG says:

    Dear Barbie, Please don’t feel bad about needing to take a break! I know that Jesus has called me to come away with Him, and to lay things down during this season I am in also. Some things go, and others return, but all the while it is Jesus who is holding onto us! I am praying so much for you, dear sister. Your honesty and openness is so encouraging–may the Lord bless you for sharing with all of us so many, many times!

  7. Pam Ecrement says:

    Thanks for your transparency today. That speaks volumes to me about who you are. We are listening, but the Lord heard all of that as well and His love for you will certainly lead your choice about blogging. I also wanted to add that you are never lost to Him. He is the Good Shepherd and He always knows where you are. The enemy might try to make you feel as if you are lost, but God sees you right where you are. Trust Him in the midst of all this and do what you are led to do to allow Him to take care of you and bringing healing and hope to you once again.

  8. Melissa Henderson says:

    I totally understand. There are times we need to take a step back and refocus. During those times, I have found that God speaks many lessons to my heart. God bless you. 🙂

  9. Gayl says:

    Dear Barbie, I thank you so much for being so honest here in this place. Whether you realize it or not you have encouraged us by sharing your heart. I pray that God will wrap you in His loving arms and bring you healing and peace and guidance. May you find rest and have time to immerse yourself in God’s word and in His love. Thank you for hosting this linkup. It has been a great place. If God leads you to something else and you don’t restart the linkup, we will all have the memories of the encouragement we found here. Much love with many blessings!

  10. Amy Jung says:

    Hi Barbie—Thanks for sharing your life with us. Please don’t go away totally! We all understand the need to lay down the link up. I pray that you will be refreshed, renewed, and most of all know that you are loved!

  11. Boma says:

    God bless you, Barbie; and meet you at every point where you have a need.

  12. Susan Shipe says:

    You have chosen well, Barbie. Time to sit at His feet and hear His voice for you and your family. Stay in contact via FB posts. Much love to you my friend.

  13. Emily says:

    Barbie, Thank you so so much for this vulnerable post!!! Praying for you today.

  14. Annette says:

    ah Barbie…. you continue in my heart. Write when you can eh? And when you can’t… know it’s okay.

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