When I began the Write31Days challenge on October 1st, I had high hopes of finishing strong. I met so many beautiful writers in our Facebook group, and even had the privilege of assisting many with their buttons and landing pages. October started out strong and I wrote for 7 days straight.
And then I hit a wall.
My idea for today was to come here and share my heart on day 11, “rest”. I wanted to come here and tell you that I have heard God calling me to rest and that I’m laying it down to sit at His feet. But that’s not exactly the truth. I think I’ve been using “rest” as an excuse to not face what is really going on beneath the surface.
Can I be honest with you with a few things?
I Fear Not Writing.
For seven years I’ve written in this space and have loved every minute of it. I love the community that gathers here. I love reading your blogs and helping you with whatever knowledge I’ve gained over the years. But in this season, I haven’t had the same motivation or passion to write. I’ve thought about closing the blog but have no clear direction. Until such a time comes, if ever, I am here, even though it is hit or miss for now.
The fear of not writing has to do with the fact that I have seen my stats drop, my comments lessen and I’ve seen some people go never to return again. And I question,
“Is what I have to say no longer relevant?”
“Is my writing not good enough?”
“Did I offend someone with my words?”
But the reality is, blog readers come and go. I know this to be true. I recently unsubscribed from a bunch of blogs for various reasons. So I get that. It just hits my heart so personally and I allow myself to succumb to the self-imposed blogging pity party. Ever been there? As a seasoned blogger, I know that in the larger scheme of things, stats and followers do not matter. Don’t get me wrong. YOU matter! But what I am trying to say is that for me, whether I am in the will of God comes first, and whether I am being true to the community that gathers here is second.
I Lack Communion with Jesus
A while ago I shared about how I had become stale in my walk with Christ. Somewhere along the way I stopped pursuing Him. I love Him, but I have allowed the heaviness of the past to weigh me down to the point where moving forward is just plain hard.Instead of running hard and fast straight into His open arms, I retreat and isolate. Click To Tweet
I hesitate to share such things because, as an inspirational blogger, this is not very encouraging to hear. I have a hard time reading His Word for prolonged periods because my mind is always racing. I’m trying hard to find balance and consistency, but I am not there yet. I am just so thankful for His grace and patience with me.
I Have Health Issues.
I’ve struggled with depression, anxiety, chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia for a while now. I can honestly say that I’ve had days where I thought I would be overtaken by the wave of emotions surrounding me. I’ve felt “blue”, uninterested in things I love (like writing or painting), and just a little sad most days. So I am admitting to you that the heaviness has reared it’s ugly head again.
Lately the chronic fatigue and fibro have been kicking my rear. I am exhausted all the time, and my body is in constant pain everywhere. It doesn’t help that I do not get enough sleep. Late at night is when I normally sit and write and visit blogs. But because I’ve been so tired, I am unable to do much of that. Stepping away from the writing and reading is something I must continue to do from time to time to remain healthy.
So what does all of this mean?
In a nutshell,
I love you all!
I still love blogging.
I am trying to get back on track spiritually.
I’m a little sad and very tired.
For now, you can count on the Weekend Whispers link up to be running strong every weekend. I am so grateful to have Carrie along with me on this journey. She’s been such a great encouragement to me. I may experiment with some random posts, homeschool posts, or just a simple photo here and there. I hope you will give me permission to just write how I feel led to write. I long for the deeper revelation. I know it will come. But in the meantime I need to be able to write out of the outflow of my life, whatever that may look like.
I want to thank you for still being here. I know when the pages of a blog are blank for so long, your tendency is to move on. I wouldn’t hold it against you if you did. But I hope you will give me a little more time to find my way.